Here we are, then: the climax of THN’s Guilty Pleasures series, and, if I do say so myself, we’ve saved the best film ‘till last. It’s the guiltiest of guilty pleasures; the film commonly renowned as the worst superhero film of all time (and indeed one of the worst films of all time) – BATMAN & ROBIN effectively destroyed the Bat-mythos, eradicating plans for a fifth film (to be called BATMAN TRIUMPHANT) and stalling the franchise for eight years.
If you haven’t born witness to the cataclysmic fuck-up that is BATMAN & ROBIN, allow me to fill you in on where it all went so horribly wrong: the cast (Arnie as Mr Freeze?!), the characters (Bane was reduced to Poison Ivy’s chauffeur), the plot, the script and the special effects. Yes, pretty much everything that went into the film. Yet still I have fond memories of it, so it was without hesitation that I chose the infamous Joel Shumacher film as my guiltiest pleasure.
To remember why, I’ve revisited the Blu-ray (which, yes, I own. If you’re not already mocking me for the article, I guess it’s pretty safe to say you’ll mock me for that), which I’m watching as I write this. So far, it’s not really helping its case: we’ve had Bat-nipples (00:01:19), close-ups of George Clooney’s arse (00:01:20) and the first of many disastrously whiny lines by Chris O’Donnell (who manages to be the worst thing about this film, and that includes everything I’ve already mentioned – a pretty sorry achievement): ‘I want a car!’ (00:02:18). Which, of course, is followed by a terrible Bat-pun: ‘This is why Superman works alone…’ (00:02:24).
So we’re not even two and a half minutes in, and we’ve already had plenty of reasons to turn the bugger off and do something more productive, like eating lead paint and noting down the effects. Batman and Robin’s relationship in the film is reminiscent of Adam West and Burt Ward’s, with a sprinkling of 90s backtalk and far too much effort. Which is where BATMAN & ROBIN ultimately falls down; had it not taken itself so seriously, it might just have worked.
Which is precisely the reason I love it so much: because I can’t take it seriously. And when you stop trying to do that, maybe you’ll see the funny side. We can all laugh along with BATMAN (1966), so why not BATMAN & ROBIN? You’ll have to give your suspension of disbelief a knock on the head and just imagine it’s what Schumacher was trying to do all along, but believe me: it will improve any viewing of this film tenfold.
So back to the Blu-ray. And here comes Mr Freeze! Or should that be ‘the Iceman cometh’? Yep, hand-in-hand with old Arnie are the trademark puns, each more hilarious than the last. Remember the opening scene, with Freeze’s diamond raid at the museum? Let’s take a little look at the villain’s lines in this little introductory conflict:
00:04:24: ‘The Iceman cometh!’
00:04:34: ‘I’m afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy…’
00:04:55: ‘In this universe, there’s only one absolute: everything freezes!’
00:05:32: ‘You’re not sending me to the cooler…’
00:05:56: ‘Grab the gem! Kill the heroes!’
00:08:00: ‘What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!’
OK, so, factual errors aside (for a scientist, Freeze isn’t exactly the brainiest of villains), that’s four puns in just over a minute, plus a straight-out reference to Batman and Robin as the ‘heroes’ of the story. Just in case you didn’t know.
Can you see where I’m coming from yet? I’m not going to give a scene-by-scene rundown of the entire thing, but suffice to say BATMAN & ROBIN is laugh-out-loud (LOL for the kids out there) levels of bad. Bat-nipples, Bat-credit cards, Batgirl – it’s all horrendously out of sync with not only Burton’s BATMAN films, but also Joel Shumacher’s previous effort, BATMAN FOREVER. But it’s all so ridiculous that I can’t help but love it. For the goofiness, the puns, the oh-so-terrible acting, and, well, Schumacher’s wonderful deployment of the male gaze (hello Poison Ivy). It’s a polarising film; a bit like Marmite, you’ll love it or hate it. (Chances are the latter, judging by Rotten Tomatoes.) Me? Well, I can’t get enough.
BATMAN & ROBIN sits perfectly between Burton’s Gothic Gotham and Nolan’s roaring realism in complete contrast to both; it’s a light-hearted romp that, yes, takes itself far too seriously. But that doesn’t mean you should too.
To see the rest of THN’s guilty pleasures, click here.
