“You had sex with a girl and then gave her a balloon, what are you the old guy from up?”
If you laughed at the above, you have just had the best gag from Ivan Reitman’s latest delivery, NO STRINGS ATTACHED; a half baked romantic comedy starring Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. This drippy production shows their characters Emma and Adam exploring the old noble debate, can men and women just be fuckbuddies?
Reitman zips through their first few meetings a lightning montage from summer camp, to college to awkward encounters in Italy. He even throws in a few jokes about fingering. But unlike the ‘fuck’ filled red band trailer would have you believe, these two are not friends. Before the first of many humpings, they are barely acquaintances. When Adam discovers his famous Dad (Kevin Kline) has been sleeping with his ex, he channels all his energy into seeking revenge sex. It’s his booze fuelled sadness that sends him to Emma’s pahootie, not years of affectionate friendship.
We have to admit, their first sex scene has a spontaneous, claustrophobic feel that makes for exciting viewing, but once the plot kicks off, it’s a downward slide. Portman plays a relationship-shy doctor who derides tired clichés like flowers and candy and love. Amazingly, she still rather fancies a bit of slap and tickle at 2am, and that’s where Adam comes in. And so begins the polished back and forth of sex (sorry) and almost-witty banter. In a recent press conference, Reitman claimed that he wanted to make a modern version of “When Harry Met Sally,” but the film’s premise is about as current as an episode of Last of the Summer Wine. Its only saviour is Portman purely because she is an effortless, cerebral dream girl with a real sense of humour and a wonderful goofy laugh. Her personality helps the character shine where the script couldn’t. Kutcher hops on Portman’s tiny back and is carried to the credits by her performance alone.
The two are infinitely likeable, but the growing ‘love’ between them, shown through a few lingering smiles, feels contrived. If this film aimed to be contemporary, why is there a need for them to fall in love at all? Plenty of self-made women have sex with their friends and never feel the need to transform in to sniffling, submissive girlfriends. Reitman creates a funny, realistic woman and then throws her down the predictable rom-com drain.
The biggest downfall of this film the gaping hole where potential gags should be. It features one of the most overtly funny men in film, Kevin Kline, and yet gives him nothing but fake tan and empty slices of dialogue. Even worse, it stars Westley from THE PRINCESS BRIDE, the most innovative romance in history and transforms him into little more than an extra. But, film worthiness aside, NO STRINGS isn’t devoid of charm or laughs. It’s hard not to smile as Adam presents a mid menzies Emma with a ‘Period Mix’ CD of songs like “Keep Bleeding” and “I’ve got the world on a string”. Sadly, quirky period puns aren’t enough when film’s substance is spread so thin. Portman might be an acting deity, but even she can’t save a movie so long past its sell-by date.
