Director: Brad Peyton
Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Josh Hutcherson, Vanessa Hudgens, Michael Caine, Luis Guzman
Running time: 94 minutes
Certificate: PG
Synopsis: When Jules Verne-obsessive Sean (Hutcherson) receives a cryptic message from his eccentric grandfather (Caine), he travels to Mysterious Island with stepfather Hank (Johnson). But they soon realise that the Island is sinking fast, and they have a matter of hours to escape a watery grave…
As any regular cinemagoer will know, children are annoying. They’re loud, they’re hyperactive, they have to use the bathroom every few minutes, and they are often heard saying ‘Mummy I’m scared’ minutes before the film has even started (foreshadowing 90 minutes of utter misery for everyone involved). Despite their inherent annoying-ness, the little blighters deserve better than this. As Pixar have proved time and again, you don’t have to treat kids like idiots, and there are a few key elements that should always accompany strong visuals: a script, for instance.
Following on from Brendan Fraser-starrer JOURNEY TO THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH, JOURNEY 2 continues the Jules Verne theme, taking our heroes to another fantastical world from his books. As it turns out, Verne’s stories were based on fact, and if you know where to look, his works give clues on how to find these strange places and navigate oneself once there. And it’s not only Verne – Robert Louis Stevenson and Jonathan Swift were also in on it – and if you tear this page from one book, and that page from another, and pile them on top of each other, then turn them clockwise, then chant a little mantra, but only on the seventh Sunday of the month, at sunrise, on Jewish New Year, in the snow, you might just discover a barey-plausible clue on how to find the Mysterious Island.
As the gang ventures around the Island (get there, walk around a bit, decide to leave immediately), every other landmark or curiosity is tenuously linked to Verne’s work, something that Sean (Hutcherson)is keen to remind us of at every turn. It seems that Sean knows everything about everything, except for how not to be an irritating, charmless git. One can’t help but wish a few modern cultural references had been included; perhaps Jason Voorhees could have emerge from the bushes and slaughter every odious teenager in sight. Just a thought.
Hutcherson is, at least, supported by a decent cast – The Rock, Luis Guzman, Vanessa Hudgen’s cleavage, and Michael Caine (securing his ‘Creature Feature Trilogy’ DVD boxset, along with THE SWARM and JAWS THE REVENGE) – what a shame they’re saddled with dialogue so pathetic even George of the Jungle couldn’t be bothered. The Rock resorts to bouncing berries off his boobs at one point.
The only point of real interest are the action sequences and CG trickery. Aside from a tiny elephant – humouous for a nanosecond – nothing drives the excitement factor past ‘tolerabale’. Worryingly, the set pieces seem to have found inspiration from HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS, which was quite revolutionary 100 years ago.
Though the 3D may be enough to keep the youngest audience members amused (the one’s who will be equally satisfied with jamming popcorn up their noses) any child with a reasonable grasp of blockbuster entertainment should see this for what it is – a soulless attempt at rinsing 3D for all its worth before it’s quietly asked to leave for another 20 years.
Kids – demand more. You’re better than this.
JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND is released 3rd February
