Director: McG
Cast: Tom Hardy, Chris Pine, Reese Witherspoon, Chelsea Handler
Running time: 97 minutes
Certificate: 12A
Synopsis: When FBI best buds discover they’re dating the same girl, they make a pact to not let it affect their friendship and may the better man win. But it’s only a matter of time before they resort to underhanded tactics to ruin each others’ chances…
Coming from the man who brought you CHARLIE’S ANGEL’S: FULL THROTTLE (never trust a man who introduces himself by nickname), there’s little wonder that THIS MEANS WAR is a film built on implausible scenarios. As a general rule, there’s nothing wrong with that. When John McClane runs out of bullets, he fires entire cars at helicopters. When Johnny Utah needs to catch a bank robbing surfer, he jumps out of an aeroplane without a parachute. Needs must, and Hollywood always demands we suspend disbelief to an extent. But there’s a limit. And that limit is called McG, a man (who along with his screenwriters) insists on piling up the disbelief and implausible scenarios until his film becomes at best patronising, and at worst offensive.
Here are a few examples of the glossy tripe THIS MEANS WAR asks us to swallow: Reece Witherspoon, Chris Pine, or Tom Hardy apparently need to join an online dating agency; FBI agents are occasionally British; people are actually named FDR (no one believes your name is actually McG either, you cretin); international terrorist types can infiltrate national security by questioning agents’ tailors about cloth; two best friends would continue to knowingly date the same girl, and more to the point, one they know to be adulterous from the get-go (and any friends that do are heading straight for appearance on The Jeremy Kyle Show); FBI resources and manpower are invested in surveying two agents’ respective dating practices; and McG is anything but a giant tit with a camera.
Still, at least there’s some decent talent on hand to save this from eternal damnation. Just. Chris Pine is charming as ever, and Tom Hardy manages to keep the British end up (though must be cursing his agent for the first black mark on his CV). And whilst Reece Witherspoon often walks the tightrope between interesting indie and odious rom-com, here she is fine, and her sisters-doing-it-for-themselves banter with pal Chelsea Handler is occasionally amusing. But it’s not enough – nowhere near enough – to make this anything more than well-polished, empty guff.
Fundamentally, it’s trite and clunky, and bangs you around the head with the sort of cheese-coated clichés even Michael Bay would consider beneath him. The screenplay – by Timothy Dowling and Simon Kinberg – is constructed of irritatingly broad plotting and bereft of any wit or creativity. Any script in which a hardened FBI agent resorts to watching TITANIC alone to show how he’s getting in touch with his feelings (completely unrelated to the upcoming TITANIC 3D release) needs serious reassessment. McG doesn’t seem too bothered though; he’s just crammed the film with explosions and frantic editing, hoping no one will notice. And the worst part is, for millions of paying cinemagoers, his devious little plan will work.
THIS MEANS WAR is released in UK cinemas March 2nd
