Director: Neil Jones
Starring: Stuart Brennan, Tamer Hassan, Emily Booth, Doug Bradley, Rutger Hauer, Shane Ritchie, Simon Phillips
Certificate: 18
Running Time: 98 Minutes
Where to start on a vampire film like THE REVEREND is a tricky one. It has all the hallmarks to appeal to a massive horror fan like myself, throwing in cult genre favourites like Doug Bradley (HELLRAISER) and Rutger Hauer (THE HITCHER) – surely we’re on to a winner, right? Sadly not, or to be more specifically ‘You’re having a laugh’, which exactly what I did pretty much all the way through 98 extremely painful minutes of this dire effort. No, it’s not a spoof, and all the comedy comes in the form of ‘unintentional’.
THE REVEREND is based on the graphic novel (one I certainly haven’t heard of, so forgive me if you’re a fan) and sees Stuart Brennan take the lead as the goodhearted but bloodthirsty title character and a newcomer to the village, after recently taking over the church parish. Now the fact that I couldn’t get past the fact he looked a dead-ringer for the late, great Big Country singer Stuart Adamson should tell you a lot about my music taste, age and more importantly, how engrossed I was in the plot. I wasn’t by the way, if that’s not obvious.
Rutger Hauer appears in the opening scene, talking some riddle-like rubbish about… well, I’m still not sure, but perhaps something along the lines that Brennan’s character is the right man to send on religious rampage by having him turn vamp by Hauer’s pretty sidekick. Then a minute or two later, he’s away, never to be seen again. Ashamed I expect. Doug Bradley meanwhile fairs a little better, and looks more like the acclaimed television actor Roy Marsden with every role I see him without pins in his face. I’m getting off the point I know, so back to the film.
Once turned, THE REVEREND begins taking out the towns trash one by one, pimps, drug dealers, rapists and gangsters. He still finds time to help out Emily Booth’s hooker-with-a-heart and attend sermons, making sure he’s always available on Sunday. There are a few stand out scenes of the unintentional kind – there are NO good stand out scenes period, trust me. The internet cafe set-up is an embarrassing hoot, as is Shane Richie’s cameo as ‘ruthless’ pimp Prince, channeling Danny Dyer and Malcolm McDowell’s Alex DeLarge, but coming across as more camp than Christmas. I dare you not to at least snigger as he holds a blade and shouts ‘You faaackin’ caaaant!’. It can’t be done, I assure you.
Just as I thought, things couldn’t get any worse, they do, as the ambassador for ruining the British Film Industry, Simon Phillips, pops up as a ‘bent copper’, offering an atrocious contribution to the film. Thankfully though, he must have dropped in on his day off, much like Rutger Hauer, and he’s away pretty sharpish. Tamer Hassan meanwhile is an actor I’ve always kind of liked, especially in Nick Love’s THE BUSINESS and Matthew Vaughns LAYER CAKE but his gangster Harold Hicks is incredibly lame, and dressing him like a gamekeeper doesn’t help. Hassan does brutes and henchmen like this in his sleep, just a shame he wasn’t snoozing when he signed up for this.
Now believe it or not, I don’t like bashing filmmakers, as some have the talent to tell a story without the need for huge budgets. But THE REVEREND is bad in every sense: bad acting, bad locations, bad editing, just plain bad. The music does not set well either, and feels like it came from a terrible remake of Walter Hill classic survival-thriller SOUTHERN COMFORT. The film on the whole comes across as a bad smell, even lingering long enough for me to giggle at the fact I sat through the whole thing. Something I’m very proud of at this moment in time. Now can just I have those 98 minutes back please.
THE REVEREND is released on DVD 3rd August. Good luck.
