A high school kid develops an addiction to Internet porn so intense that it begins to destroy his life…
From the menopausal television network that brought you MY STEPSON, MY LOVER comes the original Lifetime classic CYBER SEDUCTION: HIS SECRET LIFE. A clumsy and confusing look at the horrors of internet pornography, CYBER SEDUCTION warns teens everywhere that jackin’ it to sexy ladies will destroy your life. For those thinking ‘I’ve never even seen this turd of a film’, don’t despair as it’s all on YouTube! I seriously suggest you check it out now, lest you grow hair on your palms and go blind before it’s too late…
CYBER SEDUCTION follows Justin Peterson, popular sixteen year old and swimming champ who takes an interest in the mildest porn you’ve ever seen. Seriously, I’ve seen filthier images in a Matalan catalogue. We learn early on that Josh isn’t the brightest spark as he spends his evenings staring at pop-ups and welcome pages to porn sites with his bedroom door open. Enter the most oppressive mother since CARRIE — played a very poor man’s Gwyneth Paltrow — who treats her pubescent son’s behaviour like he’s killing stray dogs. ‘Stephen, wake up! Justin’s looking at porn!!!’ she screams at her baffled husband.
For a movie about the dangers of the Internet, I don’t think the writers have ever used a computer. Justin’s e-mail address is literally justin@email. The way these teenagers type absolutely slays me though: ‘you’r sooo amazing!’, ‘when can we get together?’, and my personal favourite…
Everybody’s commin’. Be thier! Oh Timmy, we haven’t even met and I can already tell you’re a typical all-American teen! Plus, the erotic irony of username Stroke Man may be the greatest example of foreshadowing in modern cinema.
Justin’s discovery that women have breasts leads him away from super-Christian girlfriend Amy to school bike Monica. Monica has a slutty Myspace and daddy issues like you’ve never known, entrancing Justin into staring at her pictures whilst circling her boobs with his mouse cursor… Did I mention he’s also been checking out girls’ arses in school? This sixteen year old teenager is out of control! This ‘addiction’ leads him to creeping at the library and downloading ‘porn’ onto his phone. Playing ‘Snake’ of a different kind, eh fellas? Bit of Nokia 3310 humour for you there. However, things take a turn for the creepy when after just a few days Justin goes from visiting ‘Big Breasted Women’ to ‘LATEX BONDAGE’. Still only looking at the welcome page, of course. The worst of the worst?…
Virgin Vaginas! Beautiful use of alliteration there. Anyone with half a brain would have labeled this as something inconspicuous but as we’ve established, Justin is a moron. (He even manages to spell his name wrong in one scene.) Justin shows his porn to his little brother, who acts like he’s witnessed a murder but passes it onto his school friend. ‘This Internet is getting scary!’ cries psycho-mum.
Eventually Justin contacts slutty Monica and goes to her house for a boning session. The two almost have sex until he decides things are moving too quickly and calls it off which causes Monica to lose – her – shit. Uh oh, she’s been infected by the Internet! In a rage, Monica cracks her head open on the bathroom sink and tells her friends that Justin did it… What does this have to do with Internet porn? Nothing! Justin realises the error of his ways and makes amends with his mother and girlfriend, vowing to steer clear of the Internet. He stills gets beaten by Monica’s friends though because there isn’t enough plot to work with. Moral of the story? Bitches be crazy!
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John Sharp
Aug 6, 2012 at 4:43 pm
To be fair to the lad, I own that very DVD too.
Bloody funny stuff, dude. But how on EARTH did you find this film?