THN’s Guilty Pleasures: No Holds Barred

It is a truth universally acknowledged that American pro-wrestling is a guilty pleasure for a lot of ‘grown ups,’ including myself and the illustrious Tom Fordy. What could be naffer than loving wrestling? Loving a film ABOUT wrestling, starring a wrestler made by a wrestling company. The World Heavyweight Championship of duff wrestling movies has to go to NO HOLDS BARRED (1989) starring Hulk Hogan. Incidentally, if you fancy a drinking game, read this from the beginning and have a swig every time you see the word (or derivative of) ‘wrestle.’ If you really wanna get arseholed, do it for ‘Brell’ as well. All will become clear.

Now then. If the only grappling flick you’ve seen is THE WRESTLER (2008) with Mickey Rourke, consider yourself lucky. Aronofsky’s heart breaking drama was brilliant and is very unique in that respect, as rasslin’ movies tend to suck, as NO HOLDS BARRED demonstrates. See also READY TO RUMBLE (2000) starring David Arquette, a sweaty armpit of a film that didn’t even have the decency to include PJ & Duncan on the soundtrack.

But let us focus on NO HOLDS BARRED. The Hulkster stars as Rip, the heavyweight champion and hero to children worldwide. The film opens with him doing what he does best, making other wrestlers look bad. In this case, Jake Bullet, who shares his name with a Red Dwarf character (little trivia, there) and is played by real life wrestler Ax (even more trivia for the wrestling geeks out there. You know who you are. Don’t be afraid, you’re among friends. That’s friends. F…R… oh never mind). Now this is an appalling match. Imagine going to see a film that claimed to embody ROCK’N’ROLL! And it opened with Nickelback doing ‘Photograph.’ It’s like pissing on your own bonfire.

Regardless, a constantly furious network executive going by the sinister moniker of Brell wants Rip on his network, because Rip equals ratings and his wrestling show is crushing Brell’s output. Brell (I just like typing Brell. Say it out loud. See? It’s warming. Brell) is played by Kurt Fuller, who is to TV-Network-Slimeballs what John Wayne is to cowboys. He plays one in WAYNE’S WORLD (1992), THE RUNNING MAN (1987) and even STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP (2007), but Brell is the most enjoyable. Well, Rip ain’t interested in his money, which makes Brell incandescent with rage. So Brell decides to make his own wrestling show, The Battle Of The Tough Guys, which is way more violent and will win viewers over. His main star is Zeus, a seven foot, cross eyed lunatic who cannot stop screaming. Our burly antagonist is played by Tiny Lister, who you’ll recognise from THE DARK KNIGHT (2008) and, bizarrely, as the President in THE FIFTH ELEMENT (possibly the late 90s). Brell (ahhh) challenges Rip to a match with Zeus, Rip declines. Brell’s goons try to convince Rip otherwise, Rip beats the crap out of them, in one case literally, inciting the best use of the word ‘Dookie’ in all of cinema. Eventually Zeus almost cripples Rip’s terminally dull brother Randy, forcing our hero to accept in a quest for vengeance. It’s like The Count of Monte Cristo for Americans and the psychologically damaged.

I shan’t spoil the in-ring showdown, but needless to say it is as big, silly and baffling as Hogan himself. Though it lacks the fine acting, satisfying narrative arc, technical excellence and emotional centre of THE WRESTLER’S finale, it makes up for it with electrocutions.

The following paragraph is 100% true.

The World Wrestling Federation chairman, Vince McMahon, was so taken with the film that he hired Tiny Lister as an actual wrestler to reprise the role of Zeus and feud with Hulk Hogan. The character came out of the film and into ‘the real world’ of wrestling.

This would be the equivalent of Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson AS HIMSELF having a match at WrestleMania with Vin Diesel IN CHARACTER as Dominic Toretto from THE FAST & THE FURIOUS. But that would not be the dumbest thing to ever happen in wrestling. Oh dear me no.

But that’s what makes NO HOLD BARRED so much fun. Like 80s wrestling, it’s big, colourful, stupid, and full of brilliantly over-the-top characters. It also features this, the greatest ever scene of self-defecation to grace your eyes. Brother!!

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