When I was just a little boy, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be HE-MAN? Will I be VENKMAN? Here’s what she said to me… ‘Shut up kid, you’re stupid.’ With those words my dream of being HE-MAN was over. Never would I have a bob of blonde hair, a sword the size of a single bed, or stay over at Castle Grayskull. I was devastated, my life was over at five-years-old. Then one Easter Monday, my recollection is 1989, something magical happened: the family were round and we were all laughing and joking about the politics of the time, and retiring to the drawing room after high tea we all sat around the TV and watched MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, the perfect end to a day of high brow conversation. It’s not an exaggeration to say this day not only opened my eyes politically (give us our milk back bitch!) but those 106 minutes of MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE changed my life forever.
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE – for you poor souls who have been deprived – is actually deceptively complicated. Skeletor (Frank Langhella – never better) and his army have overthrown Castle Grayskull, and are keeping our heroes at bay with the help of a cosmic key, developed by Gwildor (Billy Barty). As is customary, Skeletor must wait for the moon of Eternia to align with the Great Eye Of The Universe before he can become a god (with a striking resemblance to Elton John) and rule the world of Eternia. Whilst this is going on the Sorceress (I think He-Man’s got a thing for her) is being held captive by Skeletor, who is taking her power (becoming very old very quickly). To stop this He-Man has to find another cosmic key Gwildor has and unlock the force keeping them away from Castle Grayskull. Clue: it’s on Earth See, it ain’t easy to follow; it’s the INCEPTION of its day.
So He-Man looks for Gwildor. But not one to get his hands dirty he sends Teela (Chelsea Field – first proper crush) and Duncan (Jon Cypher – no crush) to Earth first. They soon find him, and He-Man (Dolph Lundgren) turns up wearing some pants and a cape, wielding his sword to all and sundry. News spreads and Skeletor’s bit on the side Evil-Lyn (Evelyn?) turns up with some mates demanding the key back; Blade, Kerg, and Beastman, who abduct Courtney Cox’s boyfriend and put some necklace on him that makes him tell the truth and.. wait… necklace? Truth? What kind of sorcery is this? Bloody hell, I was keeping it together until the necklace bit. Well now some stuff happens and they save the day, with some bald detective who stays in Eternia with some old space slags. And director Gary Goddard, who co-wrote it, hasn’t directed a film since. Poor lad.
MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE is genius; it holds such a special place in my heart. In truth it isn’t a guilty pleasure, I’ll tell anyone I know (providing I don’t see them often) of my love for this movie. I’m off to watch it now actually as writing this has got me riled right up, and in truth a little scared I’ll be confused. I’ll let you know how it goes.
(106 minutes later)
It’s shit!
Keep it at THN for Guilty Pleasures all month.
