Keith Lemon is the creation of comedy’s most irrelevant dead-end, Leigh Francis. The character debuted in the short-lived and understandably little seen WHATEVER I WANT (2000), before he moved on to bigger things in the more successful but equally rubbish BO’ SELECTA! (2002-2004). Lemon was then inexplicably offered his own show, CELEBRITY JUICE (2008), proving the theory that if you get flushed down the comedy toilet, disappearing without leaving so much as a skid mark, you still stand a chance of being picked up by ITV2 who have apparently been sourcing talent from the sewer for years (just ask Katy Brand).
Bearing this in mind, imagine my astonishment on discovering that KEITH LEMON: THE FILM is due for release this week! This development prompted three questions. Firstly, what is the point of Keith Lemon? Secondly, how has Leigh Francis managed to blag himself a big screen platform? And thirdly, what would be the best way to rid of Keith Lemon forever? Well, I am only qualified to answer the last of these questions, and do so I will.
1. ‘THE OMEN 2 Method’
Picture this: Keith Lemon free-falling in an elevator, panic stricken as he sees the floor numbers race from 27 to 1 in a matter of seconds, wondering if he’ll do a little jump as the lift hits the ground, knowing it’ll make no difference. But NO! The lift rights itself and his disgusting little ginger moustache furls into that annoying grin. But wait, as he lies on his back a weighted cable plummets from the top floor and slices him perfectly in two on impact. The elevator could be out of order for some time, but I for one will happily take the stairs.
2. ‘The JFK Method’
Feel the breeze in your hair as you lean over the motorcade and see Lemon in his open-top Limousine down below. Squeeze the trigger though, don’t pull it or you’ll miss. Haven’t you seen BANGKOK DANGEROUS? No, me neither. Not the most creative of murders, but nothing’s more final than a cold bullet to the head. Plus, there’ll be no investigation or conspiracies to follow, because no-one cares about Keith Lemon.
3. ‘The SCANNERS Method’
Keith picks a volunteer from his audience and hoping to demonstrate his own telepathy skills, he gets upstaged by Jester from TOP GUN, who makes Lemon’s head explode all over the place. In under a second Keith will have drawn by far the biggest laugh of his career followed by a rapturous applause. The icing on the cake would be seeing Fearne Cotton sat beside him covered in brains and stuff.
4. ‘The CUBE Method’
Lemon is stuck in an enormous cube with a gaggle of morons trying their best to be half as annoying as him. He gingerly crosses a room only to be severed into lots of little pieces by a giant gridded cheese wire. Anyone for ‘sliced Lemon’? Mine’s a gin & tonic. Cheers.
5. ‘The ALIEN: RESURRECTION Method’
I’ll leave this one to Sigourney Weaver. Fanboys may get a little jealous as Keith gets his face stroked by Ripley, but all would be forgotten as they see his body disappear into the ether through a tiny little hole in the spaceship window. I imagined his talent would squeeze through no problem, but seeing the rest of him reduced to minced space-junk would be the a real treat. Try patching that up with a comedy bandage.
6. ‘The ROBOCOP Method’
Of course it’s possible to kill Robocop, Keith… Well I don’t know, why don’t you try running him over with a massive truck? Just make sure he’s not standing in front of a massive Silo marked ‘Toxic Waste’ because he might move out of the way at the last minu… Oh, he did? …There, there. I’d give you a hug, but I really don’t want to touch you. Maybe it’s best if you just stumble into some traffic.
7. ‘The PULP FICTION Method’
If Lemon marched into MY house uninvited and did a poo in MY toilet with the intention of killing me when I got home, it’s fair to say I’d be very, very cross. So what better way to put him in his place than pump him full of lead until his chest looked like a massive colander. I’d be a bit annoyed about the mess, but thanks for the pop-tarts.
8. ‘The BRAINDEAD Method’
Bring me a jimmy can of unleaded and send in Leigh Francis in full Keith Lemon attire, along with Holly Willoughby, Fearne Cotton, David Hasselhoff, Verne Troyer, Kevin Bishop, and anyone else even vaguely connected to Keith Lemon or his film. Hell, send in the production runner. I fear they are all ridden with a disease derived from the Sumatran rat-monkey. Lionel Cosgrove can mow them all down while a volunteer drops any stray limbs into a particularly robust food processor.
9. ‘The HAROLD & MAUDE Method’
Perhaps the best person to kill Keith would be Keith himself. I suggest driving off a cliff to the delectable tones of Cat Stevens in the cassette player of a souped up Jaguar-come-hearse. Just don’t cheat like Harold and appear on the cliffs with a banjo seconds later.
10. ‘The FRENZY method’
FRENZY’s most revered scene sees a long tracking shot follow Robert Rusk as he charms Barbara Milligan across Covent Garden fruit market and up a staircase. Hitchcock then cleverly stops the camera dead, reverses it slowly back down the stairs and across the street, leaving the audience to ponder the horrific murder that’s occurred off screen. So I’m leaving this one up to the audiences’ sick imagination as Hitchcock did. One can only assume that faced with the task of actually directing Keith Lemon, Hitchcock’s camera would have swiftly reversed and disappeared out of site.
KEITH LEMON: THE FILM is released on August 24th 2012. May god have mercy on us all.
