More like I Know Who Thrilled Me, right guys? High five me for that one later.
I KNOW WHO KILLED ME is a complete trainwreck of a film starring Lindsay Lohan opposite Lindsay Lohan as identical twins who couldn’t be more different! Think of this as a sequel to THE PARENT TRAP and you’ll have a much better time. However, unlike the comedy hijinks of your favourite Dennis Quaid movie (admit it!), I KNOW WHO KILLED ME sees the twins subjected to horrible torture at the hands of a crazed killer. They grow up so fast.
Lindsay Lohan plays Aubrey Flemming, high school student and all round boring bitch. Sorry if I got excited when she was finally kidnapped because I was on the verge of doing it myself. Aubrey wants to be a writer, she doesn’t want to sleep with her boyfriend, she plays the piano, and she loves the colour blue. This entire movie loves the colour blue. We have blue clothes, blue flowers, blue gloves, blue cars, blue football uniforms, blue books, blue bottles of blue liquid that aren’t really explained, and a blue bedroom. ‘Did Aubrey choose the colour?’ She did, and I’m starting to think she might have an undiagnosed brain tumor. There’s even one point where everything turns black, white and blue for no reason:
Art, I guess?
Boring Aubrey is snatched in the night and has her fingers frozen off for some reason. It’s actually pretty disgusting, but no more so than Lindsay’s acting. Suddenly, Aubrey turns up out of the blue (pun intended!) missing limbs and possibly her memory. She claims to be an ‘erotic dancer’ named Dakota Moss, except we know that she’s Aubrey’s identical twin because I spoilt it for you in the first paragraph. Dakota couldn’t be more different than her sister… I mean, she likes red! In a way it’s lucky that these girls are colour-coded, lest the viewer fail to understand the concept of twins.
It’s soon apparent the killer on the loose has an amputee fetish — the unsexiest of all fetishes behind that one where guys let wasps crawl over their junk — and Dakota’s injuries match that of a previous victim. Her missing hand and foot are replaced by bionic limbs on a budget, as her new foot has to be put on charge every night. (The scene in which it runs out of battery is the screensaver of my mind.)
Dakota’s painstaking physical therapy literally takes a single day, so she drags her robot body to Aubrey’s parents house. Waking up with less limbs than the night before doesn’t stop our favourite erotic dancer, who quickly jumps into bed with Aubrey’s boyfriend. Let’s not forget this guy’s actual girlfriend is still being mutilated. He’s a real class act!
“Apparently your insurance covers this!”
Uh oh, later that night mysterious wounds begin to appear on Dakota’s body in the same place that Aubrey is being stabbed. Don’t panic, Dakota knows exactly who to turn to… Jeeves! She asks America’s fourth most popular search engine ‘Bleeding wounds unexplained’ and is immediately led to a video on stigmatic twins. Phew, that was hard work! It turns out that Dakota and Aubrey are connected by magic or a psychic link or some bullshit which causes them to experience identical injuries… Let’s just go with it.
As Dakota takes a shower — showing us that her bionic foot is either waterproof or she’s got superhuman balance — one of her fingers begins to bleed and decay. She portrays this horrifying pain and confusion with a vague stare. Lindsay, open an acting school and stop depriving the world of your gift! Her black, rotting finger reminds Dakota of a silly old day when a different finger disappeared and she failed to tell anyone. Cut to: more erotic dancing! She whips off a satin red glove and, woops, there goes a finger. This chick can’t catch a break.
Eventually, a hallucination featuring an unnecessary close-up of an owl leads Dakota to the location of the killer. It’s time to get off your arse and find your mutilated sister! But first, the greatest scene in the film… Dakota runs into a graveyard, falls against a tombstone, lightning strikes: ‘I know who killed me!’ she exclaims. Hey, that’s the name of the movie! Slight issues though, as she isn’t dead. Her sister isn’t dead. She doesn’t know who killed her, but it’s worth shoe-horning in for the trailer.
Dakota, essentially led by close-ups of the owl, discovers an old house full of hanging fake limbs. It’s a subtle clue but something tells her she’s found the right place. An encounter with the killer results in Dakota slicing his hand off, so he pulls of her bionic arm and backhands her with it. Poetic really… The masked killer slumps away to play the piano with his bloody stump. Now remember how I told you Aubrey played the piano? Well the killer is… her piano teacher! Yeah, I don’t care anymore either, but check out how he manages to steal the whole fucking film in his final moments:
Hope you’re not vegetarian because this dude is serving ham.
Acting!
See the rest of THN’s Guilty Pleasures here.
