Since the dawn of man, storytellers have been warning about the dangers of wandering into the woods after dark. In fact, it seems there’s no shortage of villainous beasties lurking within the trees: ghosts, monsters, masked lunatics, and even wolves disguised as old ladies. Regardless, naive campers continue to venture into the woods, despite the numerous lessons in survival seen in everything from the traditional fairy tale to modern horror film. And this unfortunate trend is set to continue with THE CABIN IN THE WOODS, which arrives on Blu-ray and DVD 24th September. But if the movies have shown us anything, it’s that a little pre-excursion planning will go a long way: whilst some campers will be packing tents, torches, and wellington boots, seasoned moviegoers will know better: fail to plan, as they say, and plan to meet a very sticky ending indeed. Anyone hoping to avoid this should take note of this THN Essential Camping Checklist, our exclusive guide to the things you’ll need to survive out in the woods…
5. Banjo – DELIVERANCE (1972)
It’s not just the supernatural forces one needs to be wary of when out in the wilderness. Hillbillies can also be troublesome, as the four city boys – Burt Reynolds, Jon Voight, Ned Beatty and Ronny Cox – in DELIVERANCE find out when they head into Hicksville, USA for a canoeing weekend. But after a few encounters (including one particularly nasty incident with two charming locals) the gang also discover there a few ways to pacify a particularly aggressive hillbilly: pig impressions, crossbows, and dueling banjos. Of those, the musical option is easily the most appealing: it’s always best to avoid skewering a hillbilly will a crossbow (as the boys quickly realise, this leads to vengeful pursuits by the victim’s brother/wife/cousin/all of the above). And having to resort to the pig impersonation ‘option’ doesn’t bear thinking about. Yes, wherever possible, engage your hillbilly aggressor with some banjo. After all, had it been guitar-playing Ronny Cox and not the unfortunately porcine Ned Beatty caught by the dastardly hillbilly duo, there may have been a little more ‘duelling’ and a lot less ‘squealing’…
Video Camera – THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999)
A map is essential – that goes without saying. Especially when heading into woods reportedly haunted by a witch who likes leaving blue slime over your belongings and making you stand in the corner for a bit (scarier than it sounds, believe us). The trio of documentary filmmakers from THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT know this, and go into Burkittsville Woods fully prepared. Unfortunately, after days of walking around in circles, soundman Mikey cracks and kicks the map into the river. A major blow, sure – and let’s face it, the trio are about to gobbled up by the witch soon enough – but they seem to have overlooked the fact they’ve been filming the map for the last few days anyway (everyone else watching noticed) and a quick check through their footage should help them find a way out soon enough. Damn fool kids’ll never learn.
Contraceptives & Alcohol-Free Lager – FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980-2001)
The only thing a mother loves more than her son, is slaughtering morally repugnant campers. Fact. Well… for FRIDAY THE 13TH’s Pamela Voorhees that’s true, at least. After her son Jason drowns at Camp Crystal Lake, she takes revenge on the camp counselors who were getting both high and jiggy when they should have been watching him. And even after Mrs Voorhees was decapitated by original survivor Alice, her (apparently-not-dead-after-all) son Jason continued her work, skewering, hacking up, and dismembering just about every teen who dared enter the woods at Camp Crystal. And whilst one or two (well, nine) lucky ones managed to pacify Jason with harpoons, boat motors and other such weaponry, there’s only one surefire way to survive: don’t drink, don’t take drugs, and don’t even think about getting it on. It will not end well. Also, don’t talk trash about his beloved mother either… it didn’t work for Freddy Kruger, and it won’t work for you.
Chainsaw – EVIL DEAD II (1987)
There are many uses for a chainsaw in the woods: taking care of fallen logs, collecting firewood, and fighting off groping trees to name but a few. But as fans of EVIL DEAD will know, there are other uses, particularly when it comes to fighting off possessed girlfriends. Though relatively easy to dismember, the problem is they do tend to stay alive even after you’ve chopped them up, and decapitated heads can be quite bitey. Regardless, the chainsaw remains an essential item for the experienced camper, especially when the possession moves to one’s own hand. Worst case, a demonic girlfriend or rapey bit shrubbery can always be outrun, but a possessed hand is unfortunately stuck to the end of the arm, making it impossible to escape. Therefore the chainsaw is an absolute must-have for any trip to the woods. Also, once a hand is removed, the chainsaw can make a decorative and useful replacement appendage.
Mudpack – PREDATOR (1987)
Here’s a common problem: you’re out in the wilderness, and something starts picking off your party one by one. It’s a situation seen in the movies time and again. Here’s the clincher though: this particular ‘something’ happens to be an intergalactic game hunter, which has its thermo-sights set on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s unlucky team of commandos. The alien’s best trick, of course, is invisibility, and unlike other villains, can go about his business completely undetected. As the gang soon realise, fighting back is relatively futile, and Schwarzenegger finds himself battling alone. Not just a pretty face, Arnie figures out that he must play the Predator at its own game, and covers himself in mud. Though it may initially appear to be Arnie’s own secret method of keeping his youthful looks (‘You are one ugly motherf*cker’ our image-obsessed hero says of the Predator), it is in fact a nifty way to dupe the alien’s heat-vision, therefore allowing Arnie to get close enough to best it in a good old-fashioned punch up. Make sure you take your mudpack, lest you should be hung and gutted.
THE CABIN IN THE WOODS is available to buy on Blu-ray & DVD 24th September
