Welcome back to our comprehensive compendium of Bond movie titles. Yesterday we saw Captain Eyebrow debut and George Lazenby come and go. Which, to be fair, is what Bond’s famous for. Today we start of with Roger Moore’s third outing as the gentleman spy. Altogether now;
Clang… Clang-alang Alang-alang Alang-alang.
Clang Alang…. Clang-alang-alang…
THE SPY WHO LOVED ME
(1977) dir. Lewis Gilbert
Bond proves that he’s better than women and Russians.
Does It Sound Like A Bond Film:
Incontrovertibly. It implies romance and espionage, two aspects we associate most with James Bond.
Does It Get A Song:
Not quite, but ‘Nobody Does It Better’ is (as Tom Yorke said just before covering it with Radiohead) one of the sexiest songs ever. Carly Simon sings of a nameless spy who is such an amazing lover that it makes her feel bad for the rest.
‘Why’d you have to be so good?’ She asks.
Well, he’s had a fair bit of practice. Even Michael Fassbender in SHAME would say ‘Oi, mate. Easy on the knobbing, yeah?’ The song features the line,
‘Like Heaven above me,
The spy who loved me.’
So it does name check the film title AND we now know that boinking Bond is a heavenly experience. Like bumming an angel.
And if that weren’t enough, let Alan Partridge narrate the opening for you.
Does It Make Sense:
That depends on how much you want to analyse it. THE SPY WHO LOVED ME could be one of three candidates. If it is taken from Anya Amasova/Agent Triple X’s perspective, then it could either be Bond, or her former lover who was killed by 007, both of whom were spies she loved. Or ‘The Spy’ in question could be Triple X herself, and the Me could be Bond. It’s all about perspective. But yes, it makes sense. Even if that paragraph didn’t.
Alternative Titles:
The Spy Who Shagged Me (but I think that one’s been used)
MOONRAKER
(1979) dir. Lewis Gilbert
Bond goes into space, cashing in on STAR WARS and very nearly jumping the shark. In a rocket.
Does It Sound Like A Bond Film:
Not particularly. It’s similar to THUNDERBALL in so far as it’s the name of the nefarious operation Bond must overcome, but it lacks the former movie’s impact. THUNDERBALL!! Pow! Exciting! MOONRAKER… Literally sounds like someone sweeping up in a crater.
Does It Get A Song:
Yes, and it’s… Well it’s not great. It seems rushed, in fact Bassey recorded it only weeks before the premiere due to Johnny Mathis pulling out… after attempting re-entry. BOOM! No, no. Seriously, though, it’s boring as fuck.
Does It Make Sense:
It does, but at the expense of interesting anybody. Unlike the novel, Bond does actually leave Earth, which alarmed purists. But to be fair, if he didn’t, people would have been disappointed. And like Jason Voorhees, The Muppets and The Leprechaun, he had to go into space at some point, didn’t he?
Alternative Titles:
James Bond In Space
James Bond Clenches His Buttocks And Flies For Your Entertainment
Return Of The Jed-Eye Brow
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
(1981) dir. John Glen
Bond gets gritty after the silliness of MOONRAKER. And nobody seems to remember it.
Does It Sound Like A Bond Film:
Actually, yes. It’s a deceptively good title for one of the least remembered films. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY refers to the classified documents 007 receives when being briefed on a mission. It also sounds like something a lover might say in a private and secretive moment. Probably the sexiest title and a pretty good pun. Who knew, right?
Does It Get A Song:
As surely as Sheena Easton appears in the opening credits to sing it, the first artist to do so. It’s a perfectly nice song, but like the movie itself, it’s not strikingly memorable or even bad enough to mock. S’okay, ‘spose.
Does It Make Sense:
It makes perfect sense as a play on words, and while the title doesn’t relate to the story at all, it sounds good and works on a couple of levels. On an unrelated note, FOR YOUR EYES ONLY features the biggest and silliest pre-credits sequence that in no way relates to the rest of the film, but does link Moore’s Bond with the continuity of his Connery/Lazenby based past. And lends itself to the…
Alternative Title:
Chucking Cripples Down Chimneys.
(Not a particularly nice one, but if anyone saw the opening sequence with no knowledge of Bond or what he does, that would seem to be the most fitting name).
Complete with Wile. E. Coyote style sliding whistle sound.
OCTOPUSSY
(1983) dir. John Glen
Really? Reeeeeally?
Does It Sound Like A Bond Film:
It sounds like what it is, the worst movie title since MR MAGORIUM’S WONDER EMPORIUM. Countless jokes have been made about it over the years and it still echos through the ages as a bloody awful name for a film. In very basic terms, it includes the word Pussy, which is slang for vagina. And Bond sure loves him some vagina. Now let us never speak of it again.
Does It Get A Song:
No. No sirree Bob. Imagine writing that song, you’ll find a couple of problems arise;
1. There’s nothing that rhymes with Octopussy
2. What on Earth is the song going to be about? Some mutant Octopus/Cat hybrid? Or worse, some Lovecraftian, multi-tentacled lady’s foof? The horror, the unspeakable horror. The only thing worse was the replacement song, ‘All Time High.’ A dreary dirge moaned at us by Rita Coolidge that in no way relates to Bond, the plot or the superb canon of theme tunes that came before. It does feature the line ‘We’re one and the same,’ which Octopussy says to Bond. But that’s about it. Audio arse.
Does It Make Sense:
Much like DR NO and GOLDFINGER, it makes sense in so far as it is eponymous for a key character. But at the same time, why Octopussy? It turns out her father nicknamed her Octopussy because he studied octopuses. I believe the term is ‘What The Everliving Fuck??” What a terrible dad! Did he think it was CUTE? Could be worse though. Shane Ritchie named his daughter Lolita. Which is just asking for trouble.
Alternative Titles:
Septovag
Hexoclunge
Quinny-tuplet
(…or how about ANYTHING)
The JAMES BOND Movie Titles rundown WILL RETURN tomorrow with Moore’s swan-Bond-song, Timothy Dalton does some Living and Killing and Pierce Brosnan shows us his GoldenEye.
For your eyes only, the entire rundown of Bond Titles is here. Positively shocking.
