After the mountain of Blockbusters set for release this summer, one would think Hollywood and the rest of the Film Industry would take some time off, but no. Moving on into the autumn, and the big movies just keep on coming. It’s like a zombie hoard or something!
September:
Channing Tatum teams with hack-director Roland Emmerich for WHITE HOUSE DOWN, which sees Tatum as a Secret Service agent who must jump into action when the White House is infiltrated by paramilitary bad-guys! Expect lots of action and little else, when this one opens up in UK Cinemas on 6th September (Good news, USA! You guys get it on the 28th June, you lucky sods you)!
Ron Howard returns after helming 2011’s disappointing romcom THE DILLEMA with RUSH, which tells the story of Formula 1 Champion Niki Lauda and the 1976 crash that almost claimed his life. Whilst starring both Daniel Bruhl and Chris Hemsworth, and boasting a screenplay from Peter Morgan (THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND, FROST/NIXON), it’s hard to tell if this one might be merely just for petrolheads and F1 fanatics. We’ll find out for sure in the UK come September 13th, whilst US cinemagoers will have to wait a week for the 20th September.
18th September sees the release of I, FRANKENSTEIN, which stars Aaron Eckhart (THE DARK KNIGHT) and Yvonne Strahovski (TV’s CHUCK) in a rather uninspiring story about Frankenstein getting mixed up in a war between immortal clans and such-like. The USA gets it a week earlier, on the 13th September.
Neill Blomkamp (DISTRICT 9) also returns in 2013 with ELYSIUM, which is released in the UK on the 20th September (The US get it on the 9th August, the cheats!). Starring Matt Damon, Jodie Foster, and the excellent Sharlto Copley, this sci-fi epic presents what looks like an intelligent and action packed story that examines ideas of class, wealth, immigration, poverty, and rebellion. Set in the year 2159, the very wealthy live on a pristine man-made space station called Elysium, whilst the rest reside on an overpopulated, ruined Earth. Only now the people of Earth are going to try and make it to Elysium, by any means possible. I for one cannot wait to see how!
Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger team up for a movie that isn’t THE EXPENDABLES or THE EXPENDABLES 2! Yep, the two former powerhouses return together in THE TOMB, which sees Stallone as a structural security expert who finds himself framed for a crime he didn’t commit and incarcerated in an escape proof prison he designed! Mr. Schwarzenegger co-stars as a convict and ringleader who offers to help Stallone escape. Don’t expect another SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, but do expect plenty of grunting and incomprehensible dialogue. THE TOMB is released in UK and US Cinemas on the 27th September.
October:
October kicks off with CAPTAIN PHILLIPS, a drama focusing on the 2009 Somali Pirate Hijack. Tom Hanks plays the titular Captain, whilst Paul Greengrass directs. The film opens in cinemas on the 11th October, and will no doubt be the best pirate film since PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES (which means absolute jack).
Fan boys and girls, prepare: 11th October also sees a 3D rerelease for the worst STAR WARS movie ever, ATTACK OF THE CLONES. Predictions: it’ll still suck!
Another Month, another Teen Book adaptation, only this one’s got Jeff Bridges, and doesn’t have a love triangle in it! Friday the 18th October sees the release of THE SEVENTH SON, adapted from the book series THE WARDSTONE CHRONICLES, and stars Jeff Bridges and Ben Barnes in a tale of witches, ghouls, and magical apprentices.
Fans of the cult 2009 animated movie CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS finally get a sequel, CLOUDY 2: REVENGE OF THE LEFTOVERS, which opens in UK cinemas on the 25th October (The US gets it a almost exactly a month earlier, on the 27th September). It’s sure as hell to entertain the tykes, and sure as hell to work up your appetite.
Director Gavin Hood attempts to apologize for the mess that was 2009’s dismal X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE with ENDER’S GAME, a dystopian alien war story, based on the book of the same name by Orson Scott Card, which sees a young gifted boy called Ender reluctantly enroll in a space military training school to battle evil invading aliens known as Buggers (‘snort’). Harrison Ford, Asa Butterfield, and Ben Kingsley star, in what sounds like STARSHIP TROOPERS meets THE HUNGER GAMES (a winning combination if ever I heard one!). It’s out in the UK 25th October and in the US 1st November, in case you were wondering.
Fans of utter s**t will rejoice in the knowledge that the 25th October will see the release of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 5, which will no doubt make lots of money and will result in more unoriginal, yawn-inducing sequels! I could write the entire plot up for you now if you like, just to save you the trouble of seeing it: girl/boy (delete as appropriate) sets up digital camera/webcam (delete as appropriate) to film themselves FOR NO F***ING REASON!!!! Someone gets possessed by a demon or something. Stuff that makes them jump and get hysterical happens. No explanation is given. You feel like you’ve wasted two hours of your life. Then the apocalypse happens. Because a freaking apocalypse is the only thing worse then watching another PARANORMAL ACTIVITY movie.
October 25th also sees the 3D rerelease of STAR WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH. At least it won’t be as bad as ATTACK OF THE CLONES.
And finally, on a lighter note, THOR: THE DARK WORLD opens in the UK on October 30th (America gets it on the 8th November). Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, and Anthony Hopkins return in the long awaited superhero sequel, alongside newcomer to the franchise Christopher Eccleston, who stars as villain Malekith. Hopefully Thor will get a lot more to do here then he did in THE AVENGERS (which, despite being awesome as hell, had very little for Thor to do for the most part). GAME OF THRONES and MAD MEN regular Alan Taylor directs.
That concludes this part of our 2013 feature. Join me tomorrow where we will be looking at the higlights of November & December, and remember that this is just a small percentage of what will actually hit your cinema screens this year, so keep your eyes on THN for news of all the other releases.
