The Bay Review

Director: Barry Levinson

Cast: Christopher Denham, Kether Donohue, Will Rogers, Kristen Connolly

Running Time: 82 mins

Certificate: TBA

Synopsis: A mockumentary horror-thriller tracking a relentless plague of mutant parasites, which become rife in the waters of Chesapeake Bay, in Claridge, Maryland. As a result, the small close-knit community descends into terror and chaos.

Told through the inevitable medium of found footage (everything from skype conversations to CCTV), this narrative flits back and forth between residents of the town and other relevant eyewitnesses, including an aspiring reporter who survived the outbreak, and a pair of new parents who, along with their ankle biter, arrive at the wrong place at the wrong time.

THE BAY is a ridiculous movie, which should be avoided by anyone with – even semi-functional – eyes or ears. It is such a giant medley of unbelievable inconsistencies, weak plotting, and shambolic characters that I may have to hand the responsibility of finishing the critique of its major flaws to my non-existent child one day. Furthermore, it is about as terrifying as a bleating newborn lamb.

Firstly, the premise is dire. The government have allegedly covered up this pandemic, which our reporter is now investigating, but how could they have silenced thousands of people in a town that is a major tourist attraction, especially when the outbreak occurred on the fourth of July, one of the town’s busiest days of the year? Surely one of the residents, perhaps the truth-seeking journalist, would have had enough common sense to call their buddy in Baltimore, and let them know people were dropping dead quicker than Matthew McConaughey takes his top off in any crap film.

Also, the reporter is the main storyteller, and all of the footage we see comes from what she has in her possession. So, how on Earth did an exceedingly amateurish journalist garner such an abundance of footage, which contains everything from private conversations between doctors, to top secret government correspondence? It is absurdity of the highest order.

Next we have the characters… correction: we have the empty confused husks of human beings where there should be characters. Everybody knows that horror films are rarely completely rational in content, however, THE BAY is ‘based on true events’, so you would expect at least a thin veil of believability to be constructed, but our first-time parents tear up that metaphorical veil and set it on fire immediately. One is a lawyer, and the other a dentist, so it’s safe to assume they are at least reasonably intelligent, but having seen several dead bodies, they don’t think we should probably leave immediately, preserving our baby and ourselves, before calling for help. No, they ignore their unerring human instinct to value their lives, instead choosing to lumber into the mouth of evil, armed with nothing but a soft baby and an unmatched level of stupidity.

There really are too many mind-boggling errors to delve into when it comes to THE BAY, so just know that if your friends ask you to go and watch it with them, you need to throw things at them (preferably something that will hurt but not cause lasting damage). Then watch anything else; a case could be made for a topless Matthew McConaughey scene on a continuous 24-hour loop being more worthy of your time.

THE BAY is due for release in UK cinemas 1st March.