A Good Day To Die Hard DVD (Haiku) Review

Director: John Moore

Starring: Bruce Willis, Jai Courtney, Sebastian Koch, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Yuliya Snigir

Running time: 97 minutes

Certificate: 12A

Synopsis: When John McClane’s son is taken prisoner in Moscow, the veteran cop heads there to find out why. But when the trial is hit by terrorists, McClane finds out Jack is caught up in something top secret and dangerous…

You may well have heard
That DIE HARD 5 is awful.
And you’d have heard right.

But where to begin?
The terrible dialogue?
The wooden acting?

Or the saddening
Fact that this should be the death
Of a great series?

The first DIE HARD film
Is the greatest action flick
On all celluloid.

Exciting, moving,
Dripping with sweat, charm, beards, and
Creativity.

Oh Ellis, just don’t!
“Hans! Bubby! I’m your white knight!”
Shot through the coke can.

It has Hans Gruber.
That’s Alan bloody Rickman!
DIE HARD 5 does not.

Sure it has beards. But
No good words are said through them.
A witless affair

With no sense of what
Made the dialogue so good
In the first few films.

A scene on a plane
Makes no reference to his
Fear of flying. None!

No ‘Fist with your toes,’
No sly wink to the first film
Or it’s key plot point.

Sure, there’s the odd nod;
A reference to cowboys,
A catchphrase or two.

But there’s nothing here
That makes it feel like you are
Watching a DIE HARD.

John McClane has now
Become so generic that
He’s just drab to watch.

One of cinemas
Sharpest tongues on a hero
Has become quite dull.

And his son. His son!
Paint by numbers, gun toting
Nothing of a man.

Had the part been played
By a woman, well now THAT
Would have been something.

A new heroine
Who can match her dad in strength,
Ingenuity,

And pathos. But nope.
Jai Courtney’s Brucie knock off
Is not worth our time.

As for the villains,
They’re ok, but the Gruber
Brothers they are not.

They give it their all.
Its A Good Day To Try Hard.
Forgettable though.

Sloppy editing
Makes the action sequences
Hard to figure out.

One chase scene has Bruce
Driving his 4×4 on
Top of other cars.

Thus, presumably,
Crushing civilians with
Complete disregard.

He may have slaughtered
Countless goons in his time but,
Damn, Bruce! That’s just cold!

Father/son bonding
Occurs, they both start frowning
And nodding. Like men.

Remember the time
When Bruce went on The One Show?
And looked embarrassed?

He bloody well should.
He must know how bad this is.
Poor Bruce. Poor, poor Bruce.

To conclude; avoid.
A bland, humourless shadow
Of it’s former self.

Instead, settle down
With some friends, some snacks and let
Hans Gruber/Bill Clay

Do what they do best.
‘Its the time of miracles.
So be of good cheer.’