THN’s Top Ten Former Child Stars That You Now Totally Would: Part One

To celebrate the release of Sophia Copolla’s THE BLING RING starring Emma Watson, we at THN bring you the Top Ten Former Child Stars That You Now Totally Would. Before you accuse us of being ‘Acolytes of Savile,’ this is a celebration of the actors that USED TO BE child stars and have grown up to be bang tidy. There are no historic cases here, we are ogling them AS THEY ARE NOW.

Having said that (Yewtree speed-dial at the ready…), we shall discuss that odd and unique feeling of fancying someone (now) who was famous when they were just a kid. Sometimes they vanish after their cuteness/bankability disappears, then reappear as fully formed hunks and honies (Have you SEEN the kid from JERRY MAGUIRE now? Quickly, Google ‘Jonathan Lipnicki’ and remember; that’s Stuart Little’s specky mate). Sometimes we watch them grow older before our eyes and we move along a gradient system of acceptability. I remember seeing HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE at the cinema and hearing the feminine sighs from lascivious ladies as Daniel Radcliffe stripped off and slid beneath the bubbles. The air bristled from all the folks fanning their faces and I pondered whether young Dan was sweet sixteen yet (he wasn’t). A plethora of perverts were checking their watches to see when Emma Watson was old enough to officially fancy, and it’s the elephant in the room when discussing how ludicrously attractive she is; when was it okay to start admitting you were ogling her? When she turned sixteen? Eighteen? There is no one point at which you can say ‘I don’t find her attractive… now I do because she’s suddenly the legal age of consent in whatever country I’m in.’

It’s a murky sea to swim, isn’t it? So let’s get wet together.

10. Neil Patrick Harris

That’s right. No simply-listing-the-cast-of-HARRY-POTTER here. No sir. We kick off with the all-singing, all dancing Neil Patrick Harris, poster boy for Broadway and star of HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER.

Child star? What were they in?

Harris made his name as the eponymous Doogie Howser MD. The show concerned the misadventures of a 16 year-old doctor and his facing the trials of hospital life alongside regular teenage drama. Although it is not widely known in the UK, it was pretty darn big in the US of A, and is the go to comparison for any young (looking) male doctor.

So they’re fit now? And they’re legal, right?

Oh yes. The openly gay Harris is the greatest myth-buster for any idiot who says homosexual actors can’t play convincing straight folk. His womanising Barney in HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER is one of the most endearing characters in recent American comedy and he is fast becoming a Broadway icon. His opening number for the 2013 Tonys has gone viral, and if you are attracted to talent, he’s your man. Neil Patrick Harris will soon be legend-waitforit-dary.

9. Mae Whitman

She’s worked with Edgar Wright, Emma Watson and Tegan & Sara, and was hanging out with George Clooney when she was 8. I haven’t even had breakfast yet.

Child star? What were they in?

Whitman will most likely be remembered for being President Bill Pullman’s daughter during INDEPENDENCE DAY and being all sad when her mum goes kaboom. ‘Awww,’ said the world as she huddled in the arms of her grieving father. Still, at least the dog survived.

She popped up as the adorable daughter in a few projects, notably the spawn of Sandra Bullock in HOPE FLOATS (1998) and George Clooney in ONE FINE DAY(1996). And just look at her little pudum there.

So they’re fit now? And they’re legal, right?

Well the internet bloody loves her, as she is a regular in ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, is the voice of April O’Niel in the latest incarnation of TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES and was a little bi-furious in SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD (2010). But it was her performance as misanthropic, outsider, best-mate-who-doesn’t-get-the-guy Mary-Elizabeth in THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER that her cute, funny, left-fieldism got to shine. She is a fine combination of funny and cute, and for those of us who have a thing for the eternally peripheral ‘best friend,’ Whitman is wonderful. And I would.

8. Daniel Radcliffe

Harry bloody Potter yo.

Child star? What were they in?

What were they in? Are you f**king kidding me?

So they’re fit now? And they’re legal, right?

Yup, I’ve checked. He’s fine. He’s really fine. We watched him grow up on-screen and he became a handsome young man before our very eyes. Like his Potter pals, he was never sexualised in the films and it is his off-screen antics that gain him entry (easy!) to this list. He is fiercely feminist, a vocal champion of gay-rights, a screaming liberal and is as bright as he is handsome. Always up for a challenge, he got nekkid in one Broadway show, tap-danced his heart out in another and is predominately responsible for THE WOMAN IN BLACK (2012) being the most successful British horror film in history. He’s friendly, self-depricating and generous with his time. You know what? That’s bloody sexy.

7. Jodie Foster

The quintessential child-star made good. Even if she is mates with Mel Gibson.

Child star? What were they in?

There aren’t too many kids with a resume like young Jodie. Her first acting credit comes in at 6 years old and she went on to feature in many a film and show whilst still very wee. But 1976 was her year as she starred in FREAKY FRIDAY, BUGSY MALONE and TAXI DRIVER. It was for those two latter films she won a BAFTA for Best Supporting Actress. That’s right, she won one BAFTA for two films when she was just 14. And I STILL haven’t even had breakfast yet. I’m wasting my life.

So they’re fit now? And they’re legal, right?

You best believe Jodie Foster deserves to be on this list! There may be some readers scratching their heads thinking ‘Really? The one who directed THE BEAVER?’ You damn right the one who directed THE BEAVER. It can’t all be 20-somethings, Foster is still utterly stunning and is up there with Meryl Streep and Julianne Moore as one of the great American leading ladies. Her work is always significant, her efforts always worthwhile and she is a queer icon. Jodie Foster, in all your hotness, we salute you.

6. Christina Ricci

I guess I’m just a sucker for big brown eyes.

Child star? What were they in?

Like Foster, young Ricci’s CV is as long as the wait for her 18th Birthday for mid-90s perverts everywhere. She stole my heart in THE ADDAMS FAMILY (1991) and its sequel ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES (1992). Like Whitman in PERKS, it was the outsider nature of her character Wednesday I could relate to, but there was so much more. Her charisma, her screen presence, her comic timing and delivery. And her eyes, like saucers they were! I was smitten. Incidentally, she was 11 and I was 8. So it’s all fine, OKAY? Okay. She retained my adoration as the equally misfitted Kat in CASPER (1995), that was until she ended up kissing the pretty blonde boy with curtains, breaking the hearts of all shy, peripheral kids like me the world over. Still, he’s dead. So I win. Incidentally, after Mae Whitman, Ricci is the second person on this list to play a daughter of Bill Pullman. Is that a deciding factor on who goes in?  Surprisingly, yes.

So they’re fit now? And they’re legal, right?

She’s about 92% eyes nowadays and she hasn’t made anything as fun as her early oeuvre, but she does make some interesting choices. When she was 18, she did the ‘I’m not a child anymore and I’ll bloody prove it’ thing that seldom works out (right Lindsay?), but it made her a star in THE OPPOSITE OF SEX (1998) and she hasn’t looked back. That same year, she made  BUFFALO 66 and FEAR & LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS, none of which invite the family audiences she would have courted just three years previous. Sure, for every BLACK SNAKE MOAN (2006), there’s a SPEED RACER (2008). But she’s a damn fine actor and, like I said, I’m a sucker for big brown eyes. And if you sniggered at the last two words in that previous sentence, you have no place reading this article.

Right, that’s your lot for today. But come back tomorrow for numbers 5-1. Will it include a fellow Harry Potter star? You’ll have to wait to find out.

On an unrelated note, THE BLING RING is out on 21st June in the US and 5th July in the UK. And for God’s sake stop feeling so guilty.