Director: Dario Argento.
Cast: Thomas Kretschmann, Marta Gastini, Asia Argento, Unax Ugalde, Rutger Hauer, Miriam Giovanelli.
Running time: 106 minutes.
Certificate: 18.
Synopsis: Jonathan Harker (Unax Ugalde) travels to meet Count Dracula (Thomas Kretschmann) in an attempt to catalogue his vast library. Unfortunately there is something off about the reclusive count. After Harker goes missing, his fiancé turns up and is also in danger of falling under the Count’s spell.
The classic tale of Dracula is one that can always facilitate a new adaptation. It’s a classic tale of lust, desire, and sucking the blood from the neck of young busty ladies. It has undergone many changes over the years, and they have ranged from the classical ones that have been applied to all vampires, such as death from sunlight, while others have been a bit more controversial; making Dracula’s true identity to be that of Judas Iscariot. Most iterations have some worth to them, this not being one of them. In the annals of cinema, there are films that are so bad they turn out enjoyable, films so bad it’s like being unable to turn away from a car crash, and then there’s DRACULA 3D, an insanely mindnumbing film that fails to engage nor be any fun.
From shockmeister Dario Argento, the film relies on his staple diet of boobs and blood. Back in the 1970s when Argento found prominence, his violence had a camp but disturbing charm to it. Now it’s just bland and unconvincing. From the outset the film is onto a loser, thanks to dialogue that is delivered with all the passion of a cardboard cut out. This is forgivable at first when the extras and co-stars are involved, but when the likes of Kretschmann, Hauer, and Asia Argento sound as disinterested as everybody else, you realise that you’re watching a talent vacuum where nobody is coming out unscathed. The actors are certainly performing poorly on purpose, but it’s impossible to fathom the reason for this. When terrible lines that could have been comical, emerge with no change in tone or intonation, you know you’re onto a loser.
Plot wise, it follows fairly closely. All the original characters are there and the events remain familiar, but any sense of urgency is removed from the entire script. Things just seem to happen and Argento has no preoccupation with building tension. Whether the 3D gimmick took all of Argento’s concentration, or this was just his own private experiment, we’ll probably never know, but this can hardly count as a film due to the amateur nature of the entire production from proven professionals. When Argento does attempt a spot of originality, it is the bizarre scene in which Dracula becomes a praying mantis. That’s as interesting as it gets.
Argento’s prevailed over lower budgets before, but this film looks cheap beyond any of his previous works. A mixture of excruciating CGI devoid of any texture or detail is mixed with some lacklustre practical effects. It causes a collision that baffles the senses as your imagination tries to fill in the blanks but gets confused as to whether you are watching a PS1 game, or an actual film. It certainly won’t scare, it will fail to shock, and it doesn’t manage a laugh. So bad it’s good? Not even in the slightest. It’s just a banal offering that is a chore to sit through.
DRACULA 3D is released on limited screens in the US on 4th October. It will also be released on the US iTunes store.
