Christmas is a time for tradition – presents, decorations, carols, and mince pies. But what better tradition to celebrate than the Christmas movie? Join The Hollywood News for the Movie Advent Calendar – a film each day ’til Christmas. For the full Advent Calendar so far, click here.
It’s all too easy to smirk at JINGLE ALL THE WAY (1996) and dismiss it as one of those rubbish Arnie movies – a pointless vehicle in which the comical concept of seeing a legendary muscle man playing an average Joe is supposed to be enough to carry the picture. I mean, pah-lease! It’s humiliating for all us beer-drinking, monster truck-driving, movie-going manly men to have to watch the greatest ever action hero reduced to a chino-wearing schmuck trying to buy his sissy kid a dolly –when he should be playing a greased up, bearskin clad warrior who goes around crushing alien space mutants’ heads like they were grapes…right fellas? Yeah and THN thought that too – until we revisited what we now consider to be a true Christmas classic and worthy of a place on our hallowed movie advent calendar.
JINGLE ALL THE WAY is the simple story of Harold Langston (Schwarzenegger), a loving husband and father whose workaholic ways have unintentionally made him a sub-par pappy and perpetual promise breaker. After one foul up too many he has to redeem himself by getting the perfect Christmas present for his son (played by non-other than Dennis the Phantom Menace, Jake Lloyd).
So no biggie right? Wrong! Because Anakin wants a Turbo Man doll…sorry action figure, which just happens to be the No. 1 Christmas toy of all time and impossible to find if, like Arnie, you’ve left it until the last minute. Cue family fun as Arnie farcically turns the city upside down to get his hands on the elusive toy, helped and hindered in equal measure by postman Myron (played by comedian Sinbad – whose contribution to this particular feature is best summed up by the last half of his name).
Now in reality JINGLE ALL THE WAY is a bit rubbish and, as previously stated, one could slate it as going against everything Arnie represents – but this is a Christmas count down people and you have to watch this kind of film in the manner the season dictates; full of delicious food, a little tipsy from day time drinking and with a sugar induced giddiness. Combine these with a bit of festive cheer and lethargy and you should have the right kind of ‘just for fun’ attitude this film requires.
From the very beginning the camp Power Ranger-esque Turbo Man TV show sets a brilliant tongue in cheek tone. This hammy feel is (unintentionally) continued by Arnie’s outrageously over the top ‘acting’. It’s actually quite endearing – he puts in so much effort trying to emote and gesticulate like a real actor with all cognitive and dextral faculties of a toddler with a Rubix cube. Despite this, his goofy grin and shinning eyes are infectious and blends all elements together with an effortless light-hearted-ness. JINGLE ALL THE WAY is very much of its time – a glossy all-American, mid-1990S family movie , little wonder as it’s directed by Brain Levant, the man behind Beethoven (1992) and brilliant live action FLINTSTONES film in 1994. This guy shits family schmaltz (although not lately apparently)!
There are some brilliant characters, like the smarmy Mr Perfect next door neighbour Ted (played by the late Phil Hartman who you may remember from such animated cartoon shows as The Simpsons…as in…he’s Troy McClure). Ted is a brilliant douche bag, the kind of guy who manages to point out all your flaws by doing you a favour and veil biting criticisms in friendly banter. He really steals the show (best of all is his orgasmic reaction to a biscuit – excellent).
What makes JINGLE ALL THE WAY great is the simple get-my-kid-a-toy premise leaves a lot of room for fun antics and attention to detail. Arnie’s experiences in this movie are pure comical absurdities: having store attendants laugh in his face, stumbling across illegal underground Santa Claus racketeers (ably led by James Belushi and a cameo-ing Paul ‘Big Show’ Wight), getting chased by Reindeer, and beaten with handbags assailed by accusing cries of ‘Pervert’! It is an outrageous riot of situational-comedy that tucks more subtle jokes in for good measure, such as Arnie’s coincidental run-ins with the same cop, peaking with the bluffed bomb gag that leaves the unfortunate law-enforcer looking like a charred Loony Toons character. In the last sequence of the film a case of mistaken identity sees Arnie trussed up in a completely functional Turbo Man suit and proceeds to wackily fly out of control around the entire city – only to be stopped by a collision with a wall and a clanging vibration akin to that of something that’d happen to Wiley Coyote. Some might argue that this segment goes a step too far into ridiculousness but this was THN’s realisation and punctuated our entire enjoyment and interpretation of the movie – It’s a cartoon! And if watched as such will be pure childlike delight.
No baloney, after taking a second look at JINGLE ALL THE WAY we can safely say it’s one of our favourite Christmas films. Screw quaint Victorian ghost stories and snowy bollocks about Santa being real. This is contemporary Christmas story that THN can relate to –it’s about buying shit and the stress it causes us and gently ribbing the commercialisation of Christmas along the way. Yes it’s kitsch and clichéd and double bluffs you with obvious jokes – but it is candy coated comedy that reminds THN of what an American version of a pantomime would be like.
If you’re still in doubt about the validity of JINGLE ALL THE WAY’s inclusion in our lovely little Christmas list – we have one final point: how many other films do you get to see Arnie punch out a reindeer?
