Director: Mikael Hafstrom
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jim Caviezel, Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, Amy Ryan, Vinnie Jones, Sam Neill.
Running Time: 115 minutes
Certificate: 15
Synopsis: Escape artist Ray Breslin (Stallone) makes a living out of testing the security of prisons by going in and getting out. But when he finds himself betrayed and left for dead in an impossibly complex facility, he must team up with the mysterious Rottmayer (Schwarzenegger) to form… An Escape Plan.
“You look like a man who finds things interesting,” says Arnie to Sly. I honestly don’t know if that’s a really good line or a really bad line. This is indicative of the whole film which finds itself falling between two big, meaty stools, if you can imagine such a thing. On one hand it is forgettable, incredibly cliched, predictable, forgettable, poorly acted and not very memorable. On the other hand it is an entertaining hundred minutes or so that is well put together and will tide you over until a better action film comes along.
ESCAPE PLAN relies entirely on being the first ever co-starring vehicle with Schwarzenegger and Stallone (not including Arnie’s cameo in the EXPENDABLES 1 and 2) and it’s their watchability that keeps you onboard. They’ve both been better and don’t have a lot to work with, but the novelty of seeing Rambo and The Terminator finally team up is undeniably compelling. For fans, anyway, anybody else would be wondering what the fuss is about. At one point they fight each other in a showdown that seems a little tacked on, a suspicion that is confirmed in one of the special features in which the screenwriter says he crowbarred the scuffle in just so we could finally see Schwarzenegger vs Stallone, which is fair enough. After getting slugged in the face, Arnie quips ‘You hit like a vegetarian!’ Our boys may be strong but the script is piss-weak. After dispatching a bad guy, Sly quietly mutters the word ‘Boom,’ which even Rihanna delivered with more panache in BATTLESHIP. After killing a dude, Arnie says ‘Have a lovely day,’ which, in fairness, may have been a call-back to some equally weak dialogue from earlier on. By then it didn’t feel like it mattered.
Then we have the supporting cast, and bugger me what a supporting cast it is. There are very few words that can summarise how appalling Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson is. The desk upon which I write this very article has more charm and wit than 50 bleedin’ Cent whose profound lack of talent is so vast, so incomprehensible that it’s practically Lovecraftian. His presence in the film does help elevate his co-star Vinnie Jones, who seems like a young John Gielgud in comparison. Sure he spends all of his screen time in a typhoon of lazy profanity; ‘faaak this’ and ‘faaaak that,’ but he does it so well. His climactic clash with Sly has him punctuating his punches with cries of ‘faaaak orff!!’ which is something Apollo Creed never thought of. Jim Caviezel’s ‘big bad’ prison warden whispers and glares his way through like a fascist librarian and at times heavily resembles Philip Schofield, making the whole thing look like a beautifully warped episode of Going Live. Amy Ryan is perfectly okay considering all she does is wonder where Sly is the whole time. Sam Neill is also in it, but I’m not sure why.
Without the star power of our two heroes, this would be a perfectly functional straight-to-DVD actioner. With them, it’s a decent enough 80s throwback that makes us wonder what incredible fun it would have been to see Arnie and Sly join forces at their peak thirty-odd years ago. ESCAPE PLAN is moderate fun for action fans, somewhat distracting for most other people. It’s not great, certainly not duff enough to warrant a so-bad-it’s-good moniker that would give it some re-watch-ability. Like a non-brand chocolate bar; it is distractingly enjoyable but you’ll forget it shortly after.
[usr=3] ESCAPE PLAN is out on Blu-Ray and DVD on 17th March. For a chance to win the Blu-Ray, click here.
