THN’s Godzilla Countdown #23: Godzilla (1998)

On 16th May 2014, Toho’s greatest monster will return to the big screen in an American reboot. With just 7 weeks to go, we here at THN are counting down the GODZILLA back catalogue.

Director: Roland Emmerich

Starring: Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Maria Pitillo Hank Azaria, Kevin Dunn, Michael Lerner, Harry Shearer, Arabella Field, Vicki Lewis, Doug Savant, Malcolm Danare, Lorry Goldman

Plot: A large lizard, mutated by radioactivity, arrives in New York.

It was only a matter of time. Hollywood itself had never been too fond of the ‘man in suit’ approach to cinematic monsters, but once technology caught up with the genre it was time to unleash Godzilla in the US. On paper it made sense. A massive dinosaur-like creature destroys New York. With the success of JURASSIC PARK, surely bigger would easily be better. This was demonstrated in one of the film’s many great teasers as Godzilla’s foot crushed a T-Rex skeleton. This trailer screened a year before the film’s release in front of JURASSIC PARK: THE LOST WORLD. Tristar Pictures also acquired the talents of INDEPENDENCE DAY dream team, Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin. Surely with such destructive talent behind the camera, this would at least be a fun romp of destruction and chaos. Unfortunately it wasn’t to be, and although the film isn’t the worst monster movie ever made, it isn’t really a Godzilla film other than in name.

It could be debated and argued as to whether this film should even be included in this countdown. The simple answer is of course “No,” but as this particular monster has been written into Toho canon and we’re counting down to Hollywood’s second attempt at bringing the beast to life, it seems appropriate that we analyse this earlier effort. Godzilla had attempted his entrance onto the silverscreen via American backers a number of times over the years, with names such as James Cameron, Tim Burton, and Jan de Bont all attached at some point. Apparently no director believed they could do the film justice with the budget offered, but Emmerich and Devlin agreed to make it for under $100 million, although this later ballooned to $130 million due to the success of INDEPENDENCE DAY.  It was noted later that this film took the ‘God’ out of Godzilla, and so the monster would be dubbed Zilla, and did return for an epic showdown with the real deal in 2004. There’s a lot wrong with the final product; its constant unfunny attempts at humour, the 139 minute running time, the fact that Godzilla runs, and the acting. But does it at least serve up some memorable monster goodness?

The film starts off fairly well, with a credit sequence that uses sepia-tinged footage to show nuclear testing. However, the main implication seems to be that iguanas and/or komodo dragons were somehow mutated into Godzilla. This is a bit of a departure, and if you just imagine a big iguana then it isn’t really that scary. We are treated to a spectacular match cut, where a crack in an egg becomes a bolt of lightning. If only this kind of visual symmetry was utilised more often, we’d have a much more stylish film on our hands. We find ourselves on a Japanese vessel, which is the perfect throwback to the original film and the original tale of the Lucky Dragon boating incident. Just to make sure you understand this is a Japanese boat, the captain sits eating noodles with chopsticks and watching sumo wrestling. The first attack is handled with all the mystery you’d expect from a modern day monster movie. We see something on sonar, teeth and/or claws rip through the side of the ship, and that’s all we’re getting for now. There is one moment though that gives us an idea of exactly the tone this film will go for; knife comedy. During the chaos, a set of knives miss the chef by inches, but there’s no real time to laugh and even if there was it wouldn’t be appropriate.

There’s a lot wrong with the film, but it’s the incessant need to be seen as a comedy that absolutely kills it. I would love to take the time and produce a fan edit that gets rid of the stupid humour altogether. I don’t think it can even be called humour, as many of the jokes make no sense. The biggest of these non-jokes is the mispronunciation of protagonist Niko Tatopoulos’ surname. Played by Matthew Broderick, the name gag features at least five times and isn’t funny once. The first time he corrects someone, Kevin Dunn’s military official responds “Whatever!” Is this really how people talk? Especially in a formal situation that is part of your job? Then again, this was the 90s and later on the casual usage of the word “retard” does suggest a less PC time. It was probably an in-joke for the crew as the character is named after Godzilla designer Patrick Tatopoulos. The other recurring “joke” revolves around Mayor Ebert (Lerner) and his assistant Gene (Goldman), two characters who spoof the film critics Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel, who had given the previous two collaborations between Devlin and Emmerich “Two Thumbs Down”. Although they make fun of these characters, there is no attempt at genuine satire or commentary on film critics and fun blockbusters in general. As Siskel himself pointed out in his own review, if they had to be put in the movie, why not have them get eaten?

As Niko investigates a series of strange phenomena (such as giant footprints), a strange Frenchman, Phillipe Roache (Reno), is spotted around the attack sites claiming to be an insurance man. We’re treated to another suitably dark attack, as a bunch of fishing trawlers are dragged under the water. The lack of attempted funnies here shows that the film could have been a very decent serious monster flick but, alas, it just wasn’t to be. Niko declares from his findings that this is the dawn to a new species and we finally reach New York, where even the computerised credit for the city gets all cute by listing it as “The City That Never Sleeps.” Here we meet some more human characters such as the sexually aggressive and smarmy news anchor Charles Caimin,who is played by Harry Shearer and makes no attempts to not sound like his The Simpsons character Kent Brockman. There’s also cameraman Animal, who is also played by one of The Simpsons voice actors, Hank Azaria. Thankfully his New York accent is toned down from his Moe Szyslak. We also meet Audrey Timmonds, a young go-getter who wants to make her way in the world of journalism, but is finding it difficult to further her career. She’s played by up-and-coming actress Maria Pitillo, who was up-and-coming until GODZILLA derailed her career. She won the Razzie that year for Worst Supporting Actress and found it hard to work again. It would be a shame to pick on her too much, but her character is so terribly written, narcisstic, and unlikable that everything about her just grates. Of course, Audrey knows Niko and this adds a very unnecessary romance subplot that nobody wants to see.

The build-up to the first attack is actually brilliant. Sing a scene made famous in a teaser trailer, an old man fishes and ends up ‘catching’ Godzilla. Once Godzilla is on land, Emmerich shows restraint, unlike how he handles the humour. For this first assault the camera is kept at eye level and we see very little of the beast. We also get a great sense of how such panic spreads with the use of some brilliant editing. It’s also nice to be transported back to a time before everyone would have filmed the monster. There are some parts where physics and logic go out the window, but you don’t care while the pace keeps moving. Unfortunately that stupid humour returns with Barney The Dinosaur on the telly and Caimin turning around and completely missing the monster. We also have Nancy Cartwright pop-up, which just makes you question “Why so many darn The Simpsons actors?” The French ‘insurance men’ (actually Secret Service agents), spend most of the film spying on the Americans and complaining about coffee, which seems like an odd joke because I wasn’t aware of this stereotype. Had it been wine then fine. We also have Niko’s brilliant idea to lure out the creature using a lot of fish.

Enough has been said by the likes of Nostalgia Critic about the line “That’s a lot of fish,” which comes across as a punchline to a set-up that never existed. It truly is horrid and just points out how abysmal this film’s script is. We get the final reveal of Godzilla in all his glory and the CGI does look dated now, but back in the day it was impressive stuff. More confusing is the score that apes JURASSIC PARK, as it swells to represent the awe and wonder. That awe and wonder made sense in Spielberg’s masterpiece as these were long lost animals brought back in a supposedly safe environment. Niko is seconds away from death, and this won’t be the only time the music seems inappropriate. The armed forces prove themselves to be terrible shots and Godzilla escapes. Niko and Audrey’s relationship crashes into the plot and only adds to the already excessive running time. They both act like children and we have no idea why they were ever attracted to each other nor why they still seem to be so. He keeps pictures of her scattered about and she is willing to steal his tapes, which are labelled ‘Top Secret’ in typical moving-the-plot-forward fashion. Niko is expelled from his post after Audrey leaks the information that Godzilla is probably pregnant.

Niko is picked up by the French Secret Service who decide to go and destroy all of Godzilla’s eggs, but after the eggs hatch it becomes an ALIENS/JURASSIC PARK hybrid of the stalking and killing made famous by Giger’s Xenomorphs and the Velociraptors. Here the film loses any sense of resemblance it had to a Godzilla movie, and once the babies are killed, daddy returns and the film becomes a chase movie. This once again contradicts the atmosphere of Godzilla, who has always been slow and lumbering. Emmerich has always said he didn’t really want to make a Godzilla film and in many ways he didn’t. Even aspects such as Godzilla’s atomic breath were added at the last minute, which means we see two instances of fire breath which none of the characters mention or think is fascinating. With constant attempts at humour, poorly written characters that get too much screentime, and a Godzilla who was named by fans as GINO (Godzilla In Name Only), the film may be exciting at times and enjoyable at others, but it does nothing to live up to the name of its legend. It did give us the spectacular animated series though, which I would argue justifies this film’s existence. For once, this rose by any other name, would have perhaps smelt better.

Dub-Misstep: No need for a dub, but I do wonder if a Japanese version exists that makes a mockery of the film. Although such nonsense may actually make the film better.

Monsters: Zilla or GINO isn’t a terrible monster, he was just sadly named after a true legend. His design took Shere Khan’s large chin, and a leaner build to make him faster. The baby Godzillas are pretty needless and just add an extra 20-30 minutes to an already bloated film.

Notes For GODZILLA (2014): Don’t mess with the classic design and powers. Godzilla isn’t as interchangeable as Bond or Dr. Who and although new designs are welcome, we like familiarity. Stay away from mawkish humour and make sure any romance and human characters are likable and believable. So far, it looks to be ticking all the boxes. As well as making Godzilla fight other monsters, of course.

G-RATING:

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GODZILLA will be released 16th May 2014. It stars Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Juliette Binoche, Ken Watanabe, Bryan Cranston, Sally Hawkins, Akira Takarada, and David Strathairn.