Director: Lloyd Kaufman
Starring: Asta Paredes, Catherine Corcoran, Zac Amico, Vito Trigo, Lemmy
Running Time: 82 minutes
Certificate: 18
At school I watched a fair number of inappropriate movies, from DAY OF THE DEAD to something called LOOSE ENDS 3. I have distinct memories of seeing the original CLASS OF NUKE ‘EM HIGH and feeling both frightened and horny. Now it’s time to find out what the thirtysomething me makes of a Troma Entertainment production as director Lloyd Kaufman resurrects his back catalogue with RETURN TO NUKE ‘EM HIGH: VOL.1. Let me begin by saying there is no point in me criticizing this film whatsoever. I could talk about the satire so heavy-handed you could use it to bitch slap a rhinoceros. I could point out that swathes of the plot don’t make any sense, but why bother? Troma haven’t built their reputation on Oscars. They go all out to make something you can’t take your eyes off for all the wrong reasons and in that sense this latest release works admirably.
Alfonso Cuaron spends years putting George Clooney in space with a computer. Kaufman uses a mountain of breasts and a rogue duck. It’s a competely different process. Kaufman’s targets are varied, but the thrust of the story (such as it is) concerns a health food operation – Tromorganic – which has opened up on the remains of the old nuclear power plant that just so happened to be next to the school. Taco Tuesday ushers in a spate of teen mutations that centre mainly on the high school glee club, giving Kaufman the chance to lay into the TV show. The geeks become the Cretins, who then go on a rampage slaughtering people and doing barbershop numbers. This isn’t a bad idea, but they could have done with studying Glee more closely and the execution is a bit half-hearted. Weirdly they have a leading actress resembling Lea Michele but who is involved in a completely different story. It’s also a bit odd that after all the footage of bodies melting and green gunge pouring from orifices the Cretins end up as actors with their faces painted. As you might expect, the acting is something of a tapestry. Lemmy from Motorhead (and Troma regular) puts in an appearance as the President, the apex of “does what it says on the tin” casting. Generally everyone is as OTT as possible, but the two female leads – who embark on a lesbian relationship in case anyone’s thinking of switching the DVD off – are winning and the performances quite acceptable. Everyone appears to be having a good time and that goes a long way.
I’ve participated in various shoots with more gusto than moolah and this means I have a sneaking admiration for someone like Kaufman who goes his own way and doesn’t see a lack of millions as an obstacle. You may not like his output but you can’t fault his spirit. The social commentary is way too broad for my tastes but with the scattergun tack the movie takes it did raise some laughs from me. The initial infection has the unfortunate soul interrupting a heated argument between two middle-aged men about Justin Bieber and some of the lines deserve to be repeated – in particular the School Principal desperately trying to present death-by-taco as a marijuana-related mishap: “I’m willing to bet his dental records will prove he was a drama student.” There is more than a smattering of complete incoherence – one of the main set pieces is a “duck rape”, where the lead actress has a fowl stuffed down her throat and runs around town trying to get it removed. It’s pretty baffling but you won’t see sequences like that anywhere else.
Troma used to make waves, but in this age where a monkey sticking a finger up its own butt gets millions of hits, can the schlockmeisters of old compete? On this evidence I’d say yes, but only because crucially the Troma style is timeless. It’s a reworking of old beach movies, Russ Meyer and nuclear anxiety. Aside from references to social media they’ve picked up NUKE ‘EM HIGH exactly where they left off and to those who think that sounds old hat… the movie opens with Stan Lee introducing a scene of a severed penis ejaculating blood and goes on from there. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
[usr=2] RETURN TO NUKE ‘EM HIGH VOL. 1 is released on DVD from 14th July
