Hello out there! Cap here, but you can call me Steve. Actually no, don’t call me Steve. I’m being told you can’t call me Steve. For National Security reasons…I’m being told it’s not for National Security reasons.
You may remember me as the muscular, shield-bearing guy dressed like the flag who saved New York from that gigantic flying slug. The future certainly is strange! I’m used to sound and fury as I served during World War II. Why do I look around thirty? That’s a long story but let’s just say there are certain parts of the body that don’t react well to being frozen for several decades.
I now work for S.H.I.E.L.D. That stands for…Special Helper In Educating Live Ducks. Thank you to my colleague Tony Stark for reminding me. It’s on the top secret side, I can tell you that much. My bosses have assigned me a secretary so I can dictate this message to you using modern technology. They sent two in fact. The first one kept breaking her concentration when I was practicing my squat thrusts in front of her.
I’m now working with a very meticulous young man who appears very friendly and enthusiastic – I reckon we’re going to get along like a house on fire! Stark offered to type but I know he’d just insert a stream of ridiculous things I’d never say, like when I’m alone I enjoy watching Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Tony, get out of that chair! I can’t use these keyboard things. Neither can Dr Banner in fact, they make him angry and his fingers get too big.
On a serious note, the Battle of New York was a shocking tragedy and I feel I owe you an explanation as to what happened. You see, a Norse God showed up named Loki. Bear with me. Having felt decidedly out of place after being thawed by my new employer Nick, I can only imagine how that guy felt. A cape and an enormous sceptre certainly gets you noticed! Loki wanted to take over the world, just like the Red Skull, and it was up to me to stop him. No, us. My new friends. I met them when my hair was still relatively frosty – there’s Tony who I’ve mentioned, and of course David, who’s fine if you catch him in the right mood.
Thor’s a strong and silent type who’s a great guy to have around if you want to crack a nut. Clint likes to carry a bow and arrow around. Come to think of it, maybe I’m not so old-fashioned after all! Then there’s Natasha. If she wasn’t so good at kicking peoples’ butts I’d talk about how nice her hair is and wonder how she manages to breathe in that work outfit of hers.
So, working as a team we became the Avengers. No we didn’t. I’m being told we didn’t do that. We became an enterprising group of wildfowl educators who set to work trying to prevent this long-haired menace from carrying out his plan to enslave us all. And we captured him. I thought that was pretty good going but like Adolf this fella was cleverer than we anticipated. He had help from the Chitauri. The Chitauri are a…they’re a Mexican folk group apparently. Loki used a device called a Tesseract to summon them from their home turf and they descended upon the city. If it wasn’t for Tony managing to intercept a nuclear missile and push it into that wormhole, things would have been pretty rough for the next few centuries. As he put it, he’ll never look at a garlic snail the same way again. As for Loki…well, let’s just say he irritated Dr Banner and got a sound ticking off that resulted in some mild structural damage.
Hopefully that clears up a few things. I trust things will be settling down a bit now and I can adjust to life in this new century. Better go and polish my shield in case anything else big and nasty wants to put in an appearance. Though first I’m going to use the bathroom. That Shawarma Stark fed me hasn’t sat right. Don’t write that part down Kenneth…
CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER is released on DVD and Blu-ray from today.
