Top Tens: THN’s top five, and indeed bottom five ‘dating’ tips

So, I bet you didn’t expect to visit a movie website today and be hit with a do’s and don’ts in terms of dating advice, did you? Well, we’re posting this to co-incide with the latest Warner Brothers release, the Farrelly brothers comedy HALL PASS, which opens in UK cinemas this coming Friday 11th March (read Tom Fordy’s review here).

Now, I do not profess to be some kind of dating guru, and nor do I have a wealth of dating experience — I prefer to work the clubs where talking is kept to an absolute minimum, a place where I am the modern day equivelent of John Travolta in SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER (now if you believe that, then you’ll also believe that I also once took on an army of ninjas in a stand-off in a New York alleyway… and won). No, I’d like to say that I am a lover, not a fighter, but again that would be another falsehood. I am just a normal, shy bloke really ambling through life as an observer, but in any case, here are my TOP  FIVE DON’TS when it comes to dating (with a little help from the movies). This is obviously from a guy’s point of view, as yes believe it or not, I am a man.

#5: Do anything to avoid dancing (at all costs)

This is the cardinal rule. Unless your name is Justin Timberlake, Usher or the reincarnation of the aforementioned Travolta as Tony Monero circa 1977  – do not head for that dancefloor. The only exception is if it’s for a ‘slow dance’ and even then there are rules for which you have to abide by. Like the legendary Patrick Swayze said in DIRTY DANCING, respect the space of your partner — do not get too close, particularly if it is your first date. This for two reasons. Firstly, the obvious movements downstairs which will either work for or against you, but more likely against you. Secondly, your working space is more restricted, so the standing on toes and feet and dresses etc, are more likely to occur.

I will demonstrate the way to ‘slow’ dance, and indeed the way to look by referring to this scene from said Swayze classic. Again, this is dancing too close for a first date, but if the moment, or indeed a shirtless, barefooted man in black slacks  takes you, knock yourself out…

#4 Don’t talk about the ex

This is an obvious one, and especially one for the lovers on the ‘rebound.’ DO NOT, whatever you do, bring up the subject of a former lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, one-nighter unless, and this is the big UNLESS… you are asked by your date which again, if they abide by my rules, will not happen. If you are asked, quickly cover in a loose way and move on to the next subject, but do so carefully; don’t make out that you have something to hide. In fact, a heartfelt story about how she left you would work, but do not dwell…

#3 Never Give Out Your Number

This is a controversial one, and only works in exceptional circumstances. Let’s say you meet a prospective partner in a laundrette (like they do in the movies), or over the Internet and then arrange to meet up for a date one evening. At the end of the evening when you get to that awkward moment at the front door when you are deciding to kiss them or not, try not to give your number. The reason? Let me explain and give you the set-up to this. Have your phone on you, but make believe that the battery is dead, or that it is simply not working. Say that you cannot remember your number, and ask for theirs. Get them to write it for you on your hand. This way, you can lovingly look into their eyes as they pen their number carefully onto the back of your hand (you may need to carry a pen in your back pocket for this one). The ball is then firmly in your court mister as to how you want to pursue later. If they really want a point of contact? Well, if they want to contact you then they should either have a way of doing so anyway (particularly if this is an Internet date),  even if it’s through a mutual friend. Give it a couple of days and then give them a call (more on that in a little while).

I couldn’t find a clip of someone refusing to give out their number, so here’s Mickey Rourke  chatting to Keira Knightley in a launderette (told you it happens in the movies). Love is a battlefield baby….

#2 Don’t play games

This is a bit of a serious one, and seemingly one that goes against every other tip on this list. In fact, scratch that, the others are tips to succeed and not in themselves games. This one refers to going after what your heart wants. If after five minutes in the restaurant you date starts to blabber on and on about ‘them’ and ‘what they do,’ ‘what they’ve done’ and ‘what they’re going to do,’ get the hell out of there, if that’s what you want. Don’t give them a false sense of hope. Leave. Get out of there. Don’t lead them on. Again, if after ten minutes you find yourself falling in love with the person opposite you – if you’ve got Hungry Eyes and want to devour your prey and walk off into the sunset and have it all. Get the fuck on with it and move on to the top five dating tips to seal the deal (just take a quick glance over number one on this part of the date tips list first)….

Again, a clip of someone playing games was difficult to find, so here’s the Backstreet Boys singing ‘Quit Playing Games With My Heart,’ a personal fave… and indeed modern classic.

#1 “I would give it two days“

So, how long do you give it to call? Well, this isn’t ‘playing games,’ this is strategy. For this, I would say it all depends on how well that first date went. If you managed to bag the kiss, which we will come on to in the next segment, then two days is about right. You want them to crave more. You want them to take time to digest, and then you want them to be waiting by that phone for you to call (don’t forget, the ball should be firmly in your court if you have abided by rule #3). Three days is just enough. If the date went a little awry (like if you messed something up as basic as holding doors open, paying the bill, offering to walk home etc up), then knock a day off and try to recover (if you want to, that is).

Don’t do this:

So, that’s what you don’t do. Now, this is Paul ‘Hitch’ Heath’s top five tips on what to do when emabarking on a first date…

#5 The Basics

I kind of mentioned this in the last entry in the do nots. Do ALL of the following (guys). No matter what. Pay the bill. Hold open doors. Speak eliquently (making sure to always prounounce t’s and s’s). Say excuse me when heading to the toilet, which isn’t toilet; it’s loo, or bathroom. Not shitter, crapper, somewhere you’d like to take a piss, drain the main vein, have a gypsy’s, squeeze the snake etc. These are the very basic rules of dating engagement. It’s  what is naturally done and are the foundations of the makings of an amazing date. Also, pay for the taxi, the pre-dinner drinks, the post-dinner drinks, cinema tickets… whatever. Load yourself with as much cash as possible. £150 in your sky rocket should be sufficient.

Or, if you have a few more pennies in the bank, you could do this…

#4 Profess your love of the chick flick

Now I know that this will not apply to everyone, but for the majority of women, the common chick flick is favoured more often than not, and even if girls say they don’t like the odd rom-com or two, they probably do. As frequent visitors to these pages know, I am a lover of the chick flick, but for those guys that aren’t, then you better start getting into them big time brother, as you are about to start seeing a lot of them. A good one to start off with is the aforementioned DIRTY DANCING, a film that contains the bad boy (the Swayze) falling for the good girl in a story that will give you The Time Of Your Life. Listen to the soundtrack, feel the music and then watch the film (twice). Then move on to another firm fave, PRETTY WOMAN (see above). This is another movie that is liked amongst the female population, not matter what the age. Everyone loves Richard Gere, and let’s face it, Julia Roberts is easy on the eye too. To give you a slight insight, it’s a modern-day Cinderella story about a rich banker who falls in love with a prostitute (Cinderfuckinrella). Hey, what’s not to like? For more chick flicks, check out my top ten here. When you have watched those two movies, then some of other more random ones, drop into your dinner conversation as to how much you identified with them, and grew to love them, but again, son;t forget that too much can work against you too.

Learn to love this film, and this guy in particular:

#3 Go for the Clooney. Observe your partner… through your eyebrows

This one always works. If you are feeling light on the ‘cool’ front then take this piece of grooming advice from me. In terms of hairstyle, I would opt for a cropped cut, around the ears leaving about an inch and a half on top. By some Loreal ‘Out of Bed’ glue and apply, messing the hair to give you the look of something between Brad Pitt’s barnet in SEVEN and George Clooney’s in OCEAN’S ELEVEN. Go for a slightly rugged look with a day old stubble groomed to either a hint of a cut beard or goatee. Clothing wise, it has to be a shirt and trousers (no tie) with a pair of dark shoes, brown ideally with the shirt fitted, unless you’re Jack Black shaped,  in which case opt for a looser fitting. Now here’s the biggest and best piece of advice I could give you. As you meet your partner for the first time, and are having that first drink at the bar before you go for dinner, do this… As you talk to her, tip your head slightly forward, about 30 degrees is fine, and look up slightly, directing into her eyes, almost through your own eyebrows. Squint slightly and move your head as you look away to pick up your drink before you move your eyes. It’s almost as if your eyes are magnetically glued to hers. Super cool. It has worked for Clooney for years.

The master at work….

#2 The third date rule

Here’s something that you may not know of. The third date rule. I must admit that I have pilferred this from the ladies code of conduct in terms of dating, but is something that can help us guys too. Always abide by the third date rule. What is the third date rule? Well, it’s simple. Don’t have sex until after your third date, no matter how much they want it. This relates to the telephone calling rule in the previous five tips. You have to make them want you more than you  can possibly imagine, and this is the way to do it. To qualify, you have to have met up with your partner and taken them out for more than two-three hours or ‘had an evening’ together for it to count. A chance meeting or quick drink or indeed a telephone conversation do not qualify as a date. Third date rule. You can kiss, you can smooch, but you cannot get to fourth base, or score a home run, or whatever the American saying is. They will love you more for it later.

If you are having trouble, think of poor Josh Hartnett, who had to go 40 Days and 40 Nights (another great chick flick). He even resorted to using flower petals!

#1 Never, ever go out with a loaded gun

Perhaps the most important rule of all, and something that will help you with rule #2. Never go out with a loaded gun.

God bless the Farrelly’s.

HALL PASS is released in UK cinemas from Friday 11th March 2011. Read our review here, and click here to enter our competition to win some HALL PASS goodies!