Ridiculous Rewrite: Jurassic Park 4 Pitches

With news that JURASSIC PARK 4 has writers attached, we thought we’d pitch a few ideas to them and the gang at Universal. Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver are best known for collaborating on RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, so our first pitch is a homage (cough-ripoff-cough) to that particular feature, and all subsequent ideas are entirely original. Hold on to your butts.

1. JURASSIC PARK IV: RISE OF THE PARK OF THE JURASSIC

Inspired by the work of John Hammond twenty years earlier, a brilliant and handsome scientist Pete (James Franco) decides to clone his own dinosaur, using the samples that Dennis Nedry lost on the original island two decades ago (we know they got submerged in mud, but just go with it). But this time, he adds his own DNA for a touch of human genius. So eventually an egg hatches, producing a baby triceratops. Quickly it learns to do basic math problems but must be hidden at all costs. Soon, he learns to speak (voiced by Phillip Seymour Hoffman) and debates issues of freedom with his friend/captor Pete. Eventually he busts out, taking the DNA samples with him. Using his own genius DNA, he creates more dinosaurs and they set about taking back their rights. BUT, here’s the kicker. Because they’re geniuses, they do it all with debate and calm, considered conversation. There will be NO action sequences in this movie.

2. JURASSIC PARK 4: BACK IN THE HABIT

When poachers go to the island of Isla Sorna (which featured in JP 2 and 3) they capture a Tyrannosaurus Rex and bring it back to he zoo (poachers work for the zoo) in San Francisco. However, upon their return, the T-Rex kills its handlers and flees into the city. Chased by the poachers, it hides in a convent. Disguised as a nun, it is mistaken for being a part of the choir. To evade capture, it plays along. Soon the buttoned down, conservative choir are doing away with their boring hymns and are roaring like their new friend. Cue some song and dance acts which aren’t just T-Rex, they’re T-Riffic! And they’ll eat their critics alive!

3. JURASSIC PARK 4: THE LEGEND OF HAMMOND’S GOLD

On the 20^th anniversary of their adventure in Jurassic Park, Dr Alan Grant, Dr Ellie Sattler, Dr Ian Malcolm and the grand children of John Hammond, Lex and Tim, meet for dinner. Halfway through, Lex brings out a tape recorded by her grandfather John before he died. In it, he tells them of some buried treasure on the island of Ilsa Sorna, which he hid just before they escaped all those years ago. Cue a WACKY race as the doctors and (the now adult and very sexy) Tim and Lex head for the island in search of the gold! On the way they meet a cavalcade of crazy characters played by Seth Rogen, Adam Sandler, that bloke from King of Queens and Katherine Heigl, playing the kookiest character she’s ever played. Throughout the film, the original characters played by Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum and Laura Dern are killed off, handing the franchise over to Sandler and co. Due to budget restraints, Sandler will also be playing all of the dinosaurs using state of the art prosthetics.

4. JURASSIC PARK 4: RAP-TOR’S DELIGHT

When scientist and hip hop mogul Easy-J (Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson) invents a baseball cap that can turn whoever wears it into a rapping superstar using science, he must travel to the island of Ilsa Sorna to recover the missing component, a unique microchip used to do something sciencey there. Taking his entourage, they are picked off one by one until only he remains, but he finds the chip, puts it in the hat and, just as a velociraptor attacks him, he throws the cap on it’s head and… it ceases it’s blood lust and starts free-styling some bad boy vocals up in here. Voiced by Will.I.Am, he joins forces with Easy-J and they find their way back to the mainland where together, they lay down some beats which take them to the top of the charts. Soon, the Rap-Tor begins a relationship with Chris Brown, who becomes very abusive. While duetting on stage, Brown hits the Rap-Tor repeatedly, to the delight of his fans, or as he calls them, Team Breezy. However, the latest smack is so hard, it knocks the cap from the dinosaur’s head, thus it regains its feeding frenzy. The denouement sees the velociraptor systematically shredding Chris Brown and all of his fans as they clamber to escape the arena. Easy-J samples the audio and it becomes another smash hit. He sends the raptor home with a photo album of their time together and the credits roll as Fergie does some auto-tuned singing over John William’s Jurassic Park theme.

5. JURASSIC PARK 4: FASTER and the Furious, MUST GO FASTER and the Furious.

Vin Diesel and Paul Walker reprise their roles from the FAST AND THE FURIOUS franchise, as Brian O’Connor and Dominic Toretto travel to, you guessed it, the isle of Ilsa Sorna and they end up racing a T-Rex or something.

What do you think? Have you any ideas for a pitch? Comment below, you clever girl, you.