With The Expendables 2 just around the corner, fans maybe surprised at the narrative details which are only just emerging. Well, THN has uncovered the plot, and will share it with you right here, right now. Let the Ridiculous Rewrite begin!
Also, this is a spoof article and is entirely fictional. If any of what is written below turns out to be accurate, it is purely coincidental. Also, Van Damme.
When Barney Ross (Stallone) decides to retire from being a mercenary and fulfill his lifelong ambition of being a translator for Glaxo Smithkline, he inspires the rest of The Expendables to follow suit. Lee Christmas (Statham) starts an e-book publishing company, Gunner (Lundgren) opens a theatre and produces a radical retelling of Angela’s Ashes through the medium of dance and Yin Yang (Li) goes to Plymouth, because he’s never been to Plymouth. However, Jean Vilain (Van Damme) owns the rights to Angela’s Ashes and is not happy about Gunner’s unlicensed adaptation.
Angela’s Ashes is the tale of Frank McCourt’s impoverished childhood in New York and Limerick and won a Pulitzer Prize because it was well sad and good at the same time. Vilain also suffered a traumatic childhood, as his surname sounds so much like the word ‘Villain,’ and was mocked accordingly. In a twist of fate, he would grow up to become a villain, but would never forget the book which gave him such perspective. He acquired the rights to the novel using guns and is now infuriated to hear of Gunner’s new production. He vows to stop it at any cost. With Christmas, Yang and Ross out of the picture, Gunner casts fellow Expendables Hale Caesar (Crews), Toll Road (Couture) and newcomer Booker (Norris) as the protagonists in his play. Their exquisite physiques would be ideal for expressing the subtle nuances in the choreography for what is a complex piece about longing, family and redemption. On opening night, the show is interrupted by Vilain and his crew as they rush the stage with automatic weapons but, before the violence can begin, Vilain is moved by the depth and scope of the theatrical piece, and also swept up in the rhythm and movement. Soon, he and his crew engage in a dance off with The Expendables, and the crowd roar with approval. Instead of seeing the result and whether they solve their personal tensions as well as the rights issues regarding McCourt’s drama, we cut to a 15 minute long extreme close up of Bruce Willis staring into the camera, occasionally nodding. Is it for approval? We may never know. Credits.
THE EXPENDABLES 2 stars Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Liam Hemsworth, Dolph Lundgren, Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis, Yu Nan, Scott Adkins, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Alan Davies, Moira Stewart, the cast of Take Me Out, Otis The Aardvark, John McCririck, Gary Glitter, Samantha Brick, James Murdoch, Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor, The Man From Del Monte and Krishnan Guru-Murthy. Also Van Damme
It is directed by Simon West and explodes into cinemas on the 17th of August.
