THN’s Top Ten Bears

This week sees the release of TED, Seth MacFarlane’s comedy about a pot-smoking, foul-mouthed teddy bear. And here’s our review.

With TED’S success at the US box office and a guaranteed warm welcome here in the UK, his popularity isn’t in doubt. But which are the best bears in cinema? And are they all from Disney movies?

Read on, and THN will bear all (bare all).

10. Yogi Bear (YOGI BEAR – 2010 dir. Eric Brevig)

Classic cartoon characters Yogi and Boo Boo make their big screen debut in a live action family romp.

Proving that all you had to do to get on this list was ‘be a bear,’ Yogi swiped many a pic-a-nic basket back in 2010, to the amusement of nobody. It’s not through want of trying, though, as Dan Aykroyd did a terrific job voicing the thieving hat and tie enthusiast. Justin Timberlake also nailed the vocal stylings of Yogi’s little pal Boo Boo, and let’s not forget the original cartoons are tip top. Even though being buck naked except for a hat and tie would imply he’s having a nervous breakdown. And let’s not forget the unintentionally hilarious poster that they had to withdraw (click on the picture to the left for a better look). Oh, Yogi.

9. The Bear Jew (INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS – 2009 dir. Quentin Tarantino)

A motley crew of American soldiers head to France with one simple plan – to kill nazis.

One of two humans on this list, Sgt Donny Donowitz (Eli Roth) is the Jewish badass who twats Nazis upside the head with an all-American baseball bat. His imposing stature has frightened fascists calling him The Bear Jew. This could also be related to his love of honey, though there is little evidence for this. He is also the only inductee on this esteemed Top Ten to kill Hitler and hang out with Brad Pitt, which in fact deems him worthy of any Top Ten, regardless of what it’s about. And it shows that Eli Roth isn’t just known for torture porn, sometimes he can do something good. Like kill Hitller. Mazel Tov!

8. Lots-O-Huggin’ Bear (TOY STORY 3 – 2010 dir. Lee Unkrich)

Woody, Buzz and the remaining collection of Andy’s toys find themselves accidentally donated to a nursery. Its not all bad though, as a friendly teddy bear helps them adjust…

A tragic backstory leads this adorable, strawberry-scented teddy to become the embittered antagonist in the final chapter of the TOY STORY saga. Like Pete the Prospector before him, you can sort of see where his horrible attitude comes from. But no matter how understandable it maybe, you can’t forgive someone for leaving Woody, Buzz et al to die! Considering he has the voice of Ned ‘Squeal Like A Piggy’ Beatty, you can’t help but wonder what other traumas he went though in his past…

7. The bear out of that Anthony Hopkins film set in the woods with Alec Baldwin (THE EDGE – 1997 dir. Lee Tamahori)

En route to a fashion shoot in the mountains, billionaire Charles Morse (Hopkins) and photographer Bob Green (Baldwin) crash in the woods. They must bond together to survive, but as secrets of infidelity are revealed, will they survive each other?

The thing that most people remember about this tale of deception and unlikely friendship in the forest is the bear. Not just any bear, mind. The kodiak grizzly that stalks Baldwin and Hopkins around the woods is played by Bart the Bear, a gentle giant who appeared in almost a dozen films. Though he is utterly viscous in THE EDGE, Bart was, off-camera, the sweetest creature you can imagine, and beloved by all the stars he shared the screen with.

6. Huggy Bear (STARSKY & HUTCH – 2004 dir. Todd Phillips)

Odd couple cops Starsky (Ben Stiller) and Hutch (Owen Wilson) put aside their differences to take down a local drug lord with the help of their informant friend Huggy Bear (Snoop Dogg).

The other human on this list, Huggy Bear is the small time hustler and snitch to comedy cops Starsky and Hutch. Utterly two dimensional and borderline offensive, he is something of a caricature who likes his weed, hos and bling. So, Snoop Dogg playing himself then. But you know what? He’s funny. And in a comedy, that can’t be a bad thing. Even if it is pretty reductive. If you fancy a drinking game, watch this film and have a swig whenever he says ‘Now that’s what I’m tawkin ’bout!’ Or words to that effect.

5. The bears that ate the bloke in GRIZZLY MAN (2005 dir. Werner Herzog)

This entry may seem a little disrespectful, but to be fair, Timothy Treadwell could have had no other fate. He was a man who loved bears. Maybe a little too much (not like that, you filthy lot). GRIZZLY MAN is Herzog’s documentary about Treadwell, a man who would walk up to bears, even stroke them and find familiarity with the colossal creatures. This was all born of love and a desire to preserve them in their natural habitat. It was also a sign that he may, MAY have been somewhat mentally unstable. This proved to be likely as he was in fact eventually mauled and eaten by the creatures he loved. Experts interviewed by Herzog were surprised it didn’t happen sooner. The director himself is seen listening to the audio footage of the attack that was captured by Treadwell’s own camera. We do not hear the footage but Herzog’s reaction is compelling and heart wrenching in equal measure. Nobody blames the bears for what happened, and the horrible truth is that it was a fitting end for Treadwell. Truly nasty, but almost inevitable.

4. The bear with the bald head/arse in THE GREAT OUTDOORS (1998 – director. Howard Deutch)

When Chet and Connie Ripley (John Candy and Stephanie Faracy) go on summer vacation to a lake resort, they don’t expect Connie’s sister and her yuppie husband (Annette Bening and Dan Aykroyd) to tag along and spoil it all.

Bart the Bear in is back and in terrific form opposite John Goodman and Dan Aykroyd. He is talked about throughout as an almost mythical large bear with a bald head that terrorises local campers. The most memorable scene is when he chases Chet back to the cabin where Chet is standing with his back to the door screaming ‘Big bear… Big bear CHASE me!’ The bear then knocks the door down, squashing poor Chet beneath. As the two families shriek in terror, Bart happily bounces up and down on the door and on Chet. Its’s goofy, funny stuff, but it get even sillier. Just as bald headed Bart is about to maul his loved ones, a recovered Chet grabs a massive gun and shoots… blasting all the hair off the animal’s rear, exposing two big bald Bert-the-Bear buttocks. He runs off whimpering and such a scene would never be seen again.

3. Winnie The Pooh (Various)

The silly old bear has appeared in countless films, TV adaptations and it’s impossible to single out a particular feature to praise him on. Some prefer him and his friends pre-Disney, which is fair dos, because AA Milne’s wonderful creations are timeless. But there’s no doubt they grew to international mega-stardom because of the House of Mouse, and for an international conglomerate, they sure have taken care of the lovely, hunny-obsessed ted. Winnie the Pooh is the longest serving bear here, and he will be the most adored for generations to come.

2. Baloo/Little John (THE JUNGLE BOOK/ROBIN HOOD – 1967/1973 dir. Wolfgang Reitherman)

It was too difficult to separate Little John and Baloo, as they are essentially the same character. Both big, friendly bears who love to sing, dance, enjoy a good brawl and are very, very funny. The only real differences being that one is brown, the other is grey, one lives in the forest, the other lives in the jungle. And they are both voiced by the immortal Phil Harris. You can’t help but sing along to their respective theme tunes, ‘The Bear Necessities’ and ‘Phoney King of England,’ they even have the same dance moves. When Little John swings Lady Cluck around and they shake their arses at the camera, it is curiously reminiscent to the choreography in Baloo’s dance with King Louis.

So Little John may have been traced from Baloo, it matters not a jot, because they are the best loveliest animated bears in cinema. Come on, Baggy. Get with the beat!

1. Fozzie Bear (various 1979 – present)

Wocka Wocka! Like fellow Disney based bear Winnie, Fozzie has been in so many great cinematic capers, that picking one wouldn’t be fair to the others, although his most recent outing, THE MUPPETS, was one of the best films of the year so far. With his wiggly ears, Chico Marx hat and big red clown nose, he is the comedian’s comedian. If only his jokes were better. But his resilience is strong, as for over thirty years he has suffered the slings and arrows of Statler and Waldorf, the most heinous hecklers in the business. His steadfast desire to make us laugh is as strong as his bond to his friends. And for these reasons, he is cinema’s bestest bear. Who knows if TED will one day join these ranks. He sure is cute and charismatic, but Fozzie doesn’t rely on racism and 9/11 jokes to get to the top.

TED is out on the 1st of August and stars Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis and Seth MacFarlane, who also wrote and directed. Click here for our review.